An Open Letter to Donald: Some Conversation Topics for the Locker Room

Dear Don,

In light of recent events, I thought it was important that we air some stuff out. It’s important for men to understand the difference between “locker room talk,” whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean, and words that can be classified as confession to sexual assault. I feel I have a moral obligation to help you, because the Breitbart echo chamber you’ve trapped yourself in will not.

Because I’ll tell you now, women have had enough of this shit. They have told men countless times that they hate having to explain their justifiable outrage to us, and I know you want to please women—you love women! You’ve had to shout that at women on Fox News and CNN so many times at this point, right?

And I know, I know, the other boys make fun of you if you don’t constantly remind them of the social privilege that you have over other people’s bodies, but the key is to just move the conversation elsewhere rather than let your deeply ingrained weaknesses and inferiority complex control your every action and thought!

I’ll help you out. Here are some things to talk about instead of sexual assault.


This is a great one, because you don’t even have to like sports to do this one. I do it all the time. Just learn the name of say, one basketball player. Just the one. Maybe a team. Now, I’m going to head this problem off at the pass, many basketball players are actually black. (I know, why won’t black people vote for you? It’s a real mystery.) So maybe, and I know this is hard, try and keep the words “inner-city” the fuck out of your mouth for once when talking about a black person? Maybe try and keep the talk to only white players, like you do with your various buildings’ tenants.

Actually you know what, forget basketball. And football. Colin Kaepernick is starting this whole movement thing—don’t worry about it. Um. How about hockey? Talk about hockey and how you like checking and love Canadians. Except for their healthcare. Yeah.


This is a great topic for the locker room! You can mention some music that you’ve heard recently that you really like, maybe mention an artist you’ve recently discovered. I’m having a little trouble imagining what kind of music you would like, maybe something patriotic? Steer clear of Rap, Jazz, Hip-hop, Robin Thicke, or certain country music, any song that mentions a woman really, those will just get you into trouble . . .

Maybe mention how you want to take up the guitar? Never mind, say you prefer podcasts.

That Weird Old Guy:

There’s one in every locker room! That weird old guy walking around completely naked, letting his Donald just hang out for everyone to look at. What’s up with that guy, right? Do you think people just stop caring when they get that old? That maybe they lose all sense of posterity and just go for broke, knowing that the end is soon and the only way they have left to make their mark on the world and find some way of marking their existence is to offend and instigate and shout for attention?

I mean, wrap a towel around it dude, am I right? If they’re not careful, someone is just gonna walk right up to this guy and just grab that dick, just grab it! What would even stop you from doing that!?

Human decency perhaps.


Very basic stuff. You like fast food, right? Mention some of your favorite restaurants (don’t mention restaurants you own, it’s gauche and terrible) and offer to take some of the guys out for tacos or something. I mean not tacos. Steer clear of tacos, that’s the food of those rapists and drug dealers and sometimes great people. Same for Falafel. Also, really quick, if the guys start mentioning “tossing salad” that means something different than you think it does. I just don’t want you to embarrass yourself.

What am I saying? You’re immune to embarrassment at this point.

Never mention tic-tacs again.


This is a great topic! I talk about TV literally all the time, in and out of the locker room. Just pick your shows carefully. Like Stranger Things on Netflix—some '80s nostalgia, that’s perfect for you. I’m sure you loved the '80s! Your business career was just starting out; cocaine was all the rage; marital rape still wasn’t a legally defined thing—just a golden era for the Donald!

Don’t mention WrestleMania or your old show The Apprentice though. You’ve outgrown that phase of your life, thank you very much. Suggesting that people check out a sex tape is one thing, but you draw the line somewhere, right Donnie-boy? Right?



Not like, “Whoa it’s weird that Pluto was a planet and now it’s not but soon it might be again. Wait, what was the status of that?” but like physical space. How in some cultures the idea of bodily space is handled differently than in ours?

Or like how in our current American culture, some men feel that their occupied space is more important than others' (women's) and they feel that they can push that space onto others (women) and force them into compromising or uncomfortable positions. Like statistically men tend to crowd women more, force women to move to the side for them on sidewalks, not to mention manspreading!

Physical space and boundaries are a small social cue to indicate how much respect you give to someone, whether you stay a step back to give someone breathing room or hover behind them like you will reach forward and attack them at any moment, but you totally wouldn’t do that ever.


I for one recently discovered a love for hats and have started wearing flat billed hats. I think they offset my facial shape well and make me look a little more balanced and older. (Please god, tell me that I look good in hats, I need this.)

You yourself, DJT, have been wearing the same golden-fleeced hat for years to great effect and made it work for your look!

Oh wait.


Well that’s all I got for now. Try some of these topics the next time you’re in the locker room, and hopefully you can avoid this whole mess entirely of saying rape-y things to your good friends Billy Bush, Roger Ailes, and Vladimir Putin, in the future.

Like I said before, women are getting tired of explaining why your words are so damaging and worrying, but that’s too much for you to handle. You won’t learn; you’re not capable of learning, of even empathizing with another human being I think. The best we can hope for is for you to just fucking try and keep your mouth shut about women, sex, LGBTQ issues, or anything else related. Racial issues, economics, and taxes too while we’re at it.

Which will hopefully become much easier after November when your life can finally return to normal and you can forget all of this “president” nonsense.


Daryl M.,

A Concerned Citizen