By: Brad Kneeland
Missed the debate? Too embarrassed to tune in? I took notes so you don’t have to!
5:52PM: Almost debate time. It is pretty sad that Hillary is held to such high expectations and anything other than whipping his dick out on stage is a huge win for Donald Trump.
6:00PM: Getting some serious “Natasha” & “Boris” vibes from Melania and Mike Pence.
6:01PM: Trump brought Obama’s estranged brother as a guest to the debate. I could hardly get my parents to come to my band recital.
6:03PM: Chris Wallace is moderating? I guess Ellen was unavailable?
6:04PM: It shouldn’t be about the clothes, but Hillary is slaying the white look tonight.
6:05PM: No handshake. #GlovesOff
6:06PM: Why is Donald Trump squinting so much? Is he looking for cue cards?
6:09PM: What the fuck is happening with Donald Trump’s voice? Has he taken a breath yet?
6:10PM: Donald Trump has a list of 20 people he wants to nominate to the SCOTUS which is almost as many people who have brought sexual assault claims against him.
6:12PM: Important to note that, as she is talking about judicial nominees and law interpretation, Hillary has a long and well-respected history as a world class attorney.
6:15PM: That’s “Secretary Clinton” to you, you orange piece of shit.
6:16PM: You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded movie theater. You can’t use fighting words against someone. This is a curtail on your First Amendment rights. So, yes, I believe that we could impose restrictions on the Second Amendment.
6:15PM: Donald Trump has no idea how the Supreme Court works, which isn’t surprising since I doubt he knows how a microwave works.
6:17PM: I don’t want to hear Donald Trump say anything about abortion since has no experience baring a child.
6:19PM: Everything Hillary just said about being pro-choice, I would like embroidered on a quilt—thank you so much.
6:20PM: Every time Donald Trump says “disaster” or “extraordinary,” take a shot.
6:22PM: ICE CANNOT ENDORSE A CANDIDATE! THEY ARE AN INDEPENDENT GOVERNMENT AGENCY, AND THE FACT THAT YOU CAN’T COMPREHEND THAT IS MAKING MY BRAIN BLEED.
6:25PM: Did Donald Trump really say “bad hombre”?
6:26PM: I’ll donate $200 to Trump’s campaign if he can name the President of Mexico.
6:28PM: Donald Trump is that creepy drunk uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving and is a little too close to your sister.
6:30PM: She’s setting up the Putin trap . . .
6:31PM: Back to hombre . . . you know Tim Kaine is shook right now.
6:32PM: “Very serious trouble”—take a shot.
6:33PM: “YOU’RE THE PUPPET! NO, YOU’RE THE PUPPET!”
6:35PM: Donald Trump yelling at Hillary Clinton is kind of like when you see an ape throwing his poop in the zoo.
6:36PM: Can Donald Trump do math? 200 doesn’t = 21.
6:37PM: “Putin isn’t my best friend.” Same thing I say about my pugs (which is a lie, they totally are).
6:40PM: I’ll donate another $100 to Trump’s campaign if he can tell me what NATO stands for.
6:41PM: Terminating NAFTA requires passing legislature to do so—there is no unilateral termination.
6:42PM: Also, NAFTA was started under a Republican President (Bush 41).
6:43PM: When it comes to balancing the budget, I’m gonna go with the candidate who hasn’t filed for bankruptcy/reported a billion dollar loss on their taxes.
6:46PM: Why does Trump say “China” the way he does, but he has no problem pronouncing “anemic.”
6:47PM: Your education shouldn’t start on a campaign trail, Donald.
6:48PM: BILL CLINTON IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
6:49PM: Donald Trump says that Hillary Clinton should make it harder for him to not break the law?
6:50PM: Hillary comparing her 30 year record to Donald’s gave me life.
6:51PM: “Yuge vacuum” - Donald J. Trump
6:52PM: I’ll donate another $200 to Donald Trump’s campaign if he can tell me what ISIS stands for.
6:54PM: “Chee-cago”- Donald J. Trump
6:55PM: Literally giving standing ovation to Hillary Clinton speaking about the experiences that women go through re: Donald Trump’s sexism.
6:57PM: Donald Trump pivots from his sexist comments to Hillary’s emails because obviously.
6:58PM: WOMEN ARE NOT EMAILS, DONALD.
6:59PM: Donald Trump denies all the stuff we have video proof of him saying . . . like wut?
7:00PM: This campaign has been nothing but misogynistic, and tonight is no different.
7:02PM: Donald Trump highlighting violence against gays is ironic since his party’s platform codifies it.
7:03PM: Donald Trump knows that “Little Haiti” in Florida is not the same as the actual Haiti, right?
7:04PM: DONALD TRUMP’S TAX RETURNS!!! HILLARY SAID TODAY’S MAGIC WORD!!!
7:05PM: So Donald Trump says the tax laws are unfair, but he takes advantage of them anyways.
7:06PM: I would expect nothing less than Donald Trump refusing to concede the election because #Misogyny.
7:08PM: I need a cigarette after hearing Hillary Clinton drag Donald on refusing to concede. #RisePOTUS #SlayMamaSLAY
7:11PM: I’ll donate another $200 to Donald Trump’s campaign if he can tell us where Mosul is.
7:12PM: I’ll donate another $200 to Donald Trump’s campaign if he can spell “Benghazi”.
7:13PM: Donald Trump says Mosul is “so sad.” Obviously he hasn’t been to the Disney World Iraq.
7:14PM: Donald Trump says Hillary violated the red line in the sand. At least she hasn’t violated beauty queens.
7:16PM: Every time Donald Trump says “wrong,” take a shot.
7:18PM: “You-manatarian”- Donald J. Trump
7:20PM: “He’s a bad guy!”- Donald J. Trump and my 4 year old cousin
7:24PM: Trump acknowledging that his plan would raise the debt by shaking his head.
7:26PM: “Tremendous”- take a shot.
7:28PM: She’s beauty and she’s grace, we’re gonna elect her President of the United States. (name that movie)
7:30PM: In the year 17?
7:31PM: “Such a nasty woman”- Donald Trump, a misogynistic sack of potato salad.
7:35PM: We have the greatest people on earth in our military, except the ones with PTSD. - Donald Trump
7:36PM: "Make America Great Again" - slam your drink.
7:37PM: Thank God debate season is over.
7:38PM: I would like to thank Billy Bush for saving our country.
7:39PM: Donald Trump refusing to leave the stage until Hillary Clinton does
7:40PM: SHOUT OUT TO MEG WHITMAN IN THE AUDIENCE
7:41PM: Love Donald Trump shaking his daughter’s hand.
7:42PM: Raise your hand if you’re a nasty woman, too.
7:43PM: Sarah Palin coming in hot with the hair extensions.
7:44PM: But seriously, please, go vote. This is the most important election of our lifetime. If you want your voice heard, you have to rock the vote. But also, #ImWithHer. Ok, goodnight.