By Brittany Handler
When you take a break from writing because you were on a cruise and then you got bubonic plague (or bronchitis) for two weeks, a lot of things happen.
Top ten lessons I have learned from my three-week writing break:
1. It is okay to talk about sexually assaulting women, as long as you’re rich or you blame someone else for egging you on or you brush it off as just locker room talk.
2. You can’t win a debate, let alone three, by just “winging it” and repeating the word “wrong” when someone says something you don’t like.
3. If you walk in on a bible convention on a cruise ship, they may be having a meeting about how the anti-Christ is going to rise out of Islam and you may be horrified and lose all hope in humanity in that moment.
4. If Kim Kardashian gets robbed while she is in her apartment, held at gun point, and left tied up in her bath tub, it’s okay to say the literal WORST, most horrific things about her because she’s rich and probably isn’t traumatized out of her mind and we can’t be sensitive human beings who empathize and feel awful for someone experiencing something like that because this is DONALD TRUMP’S AMERICA NOW, and then you think that humanity is literally down a toilet but not even a toilet, more like a port-a-potty because that’s way more disgusting than just a toilet and humans are TRULY disgusting right now.
5. Humanity might redeem itself when you see nasty women everywhere coming together to support each other while they come out about their experiences with sexual assault or late term abortions or any of the other shit storms that women have to deal with on a daily basis that a lot of men don’t even consider.
6. Humanity might un-redeem itself when you read an article about a congressman who says he is a “southern genteel” and he knows that sometimes, nasty women just need to be put in their place.
7. Hillary Clinton is made of some substance that is harder than diamonds because good GOD how is that woman still going strong with the shit sandwiches she has been handed for 25+ years let alone JUST THE LAST WEEK WITH DONALD TRUMP.
8. On that note, Hillary might have a side job as a stand up comedian because lady was crackin’ JOKES Thursday night while Donald Trump surprised no one in another disgusting, uncomfortable, childish downward spiral and poor, poor Melania looked on, wondering how soon after November 9th she can get the fuck out of this marriage.
9. Speaking of the Trump family, you realize in these three weeks off that it isn’t fair to Tiffany Trump that her dad doesn’t want to date HER but he does Ivanka, and he should either want to date BOTH of his daughters or NEITHER of his daughters, but he has to pick one.
10. You realize that although your entire life you have loved politics and you tell everyone that election years are your own personal 18 month long Super Bowl, even you reach a breaking point and need this election to end.