Hillary's Pneumonia Debacle aka Everything is Stupid

 If you don’t live inside the internet like I do, hooked up to IVs filled with news cycles and irony, you may only be somewhat aware that yesterday Hillary Clinton fainted at a 9/11 memorial event and left early to recuperate.

Later it was revealed that Hillary has a case of pneumonia which is why she was dehydrated and struggled in the heat. What you may not be aware of but I’m sure is of no surprise, is that the internet then simultaneously crapped its pants and vomited everywhere, coming down with its own bad case of, what I’m calling, pneu-meme-ia. By looking at the responses to Hillary Clinton’s recent health episode, I am going to prove my very simple thesis: the internet has ruined politics, people are idiots, and everything is bad.

When the news of Hillary’s episode first came out, Trump supporters responded with their typical recipe: 1 part conspiracy theory, 1 part fear mongering, 1 part sexism; sift mixtture with fork, draw out lines, then snort.


The attack on Hillary’s health isn’t new. Similar to the the birther movement surrounding Obama, Trump supporters have been trying to create cracks in the legitimacy of the Clinton campaign for awhile by passing around unfounded theories in email chains. The main conspiracy is that Hillary secretly has Parkinson's. If you haven’t seen this, your Aunt Sally is probably gonna send one your way in a couple weeks. And just like a brain-addled miner who finally found some pyrite after telling the whole town “there’s gold in these hills,” Trump supporters now have their evidence to prove that they were right all along with Hillary's recent episode.

Of course, Trump supporters claiming that Hillary secretly has Parkinson’s is the height of irony considering that their candidate has a doctor’s note which reads like a mom in denial that her child is eating too many sweets and now he’s a real chubster. “You’re the healthiest little boy there ever was. Nobody’s ever been as healthy as you!” 

It’s also written by a man who is without a doubt writing prescriptions for himself. I know this just by looking at him.

 He's probably still prescribing himself Quaaludes

He's probably still prescribing himself Quaaludes

With the absolute pile of garbage that is conservatism these days, we can always look to the liberals for clear-headed, political conversation, right? Let’s see what Peter Daou, former adviser to Hillary Clinton has to sa

Just to add some context, this was before it was revealed that Hillary had pneumonia and all that was known was that she fainted. Peter “Wannabe Jorah Mormont” Daou steps up to her defense with the classic “nothing’s wrong, could’ve happened to anybody, you guys are crazy.” Ah yes, complete denial that something is wrong with Hillary when there clearly is something wrong while calling out ‘haters’, that’ll stick it to the conspiracy theorists. And he performs this swan dive to the conservatives’ level with a masterful flourish of dorkiness. Don’t we all love to play outdoor summer hoops? Toss the rock around with the homeboys? He must play with our friend, Ted Cruz.

Then, when the news broke that there actually was something wrong with Hillary (because, duh, she fainted), that she had pneumonia, well ol’ Pete’s tone changed quite a bit.

Ha, Hillary having pneumonia actually means she’s strong, haters! And Pete’s not the only one who makes this argument, many more fierce liberals chime in with their own smarmy switcheroo:

Now, I get the impulse, I really do. Like, how fucking cool was it when Tiger Woods won a tournament with a broken leg? Or when Michael Jordan played through the flu in the finals? So cool. Except both of those things were pretty dumb, macho things to do. Also, this isn't sports and Hillary trying to “power through” pneumonia in the middle of a grueling campaign that only ends when she takes over the relaxing job of president (hopefully) is way more stupid.  

Seriously, what’s the best outcome of this move? She maintains the status quo of her campaign? Successfully dupes everyone into believing she never gets sick? That’s a pretty weak reward when you consider that this is pneumonia, it’s not just a cough, and it literally already killed a presidentSo yeah, it’s pretty strong, brave, and badass to keep working while you have pneumonia. Being smart, healthy, and careful? Leave that shit to the loser nerds.

Now, in regards to the Salon article, I agree, women often are forced to fight through sickness and pain in ways that men aren’t. And there’s definitely a double standard at play where health is more of an issue in the media for Hillary than it is for Donald “Eats a Whole Bucket of KFC for Dinner” Trump. So you’d think Boss Queen herself would want to create an effective plan for a federal paid sick leave program, right? Help even the playing field for women in the workplace? Well she would, except she doesn’t want to raise taxes for it or have businesses help out with costs. Closing loopholes for rich tax payers is a nice thought but it can’t be the sole source of new income if you’re looking to fund large social programs. Good ol, moderate Republ-, er, Democrat Hillary strikes again.

There’s a disturbing trend among liberals to take one look at Donald Trump and then whole-heartedly back everything Hillary does without criticism, even if that thing is, uh, getting pneumonia. Dylan wrote a good article on this a couple of weeks ago. And the truth of the matter is that Hillary is running a pretty questionable campaign, fails to inspire a large portion of her base with centrist politics, and is slowly losing her lead in the polls. But yes, let’s praise her for fighting through a sickness. She got pneumonia and passed out in a park. She’s not that badass for it. Chill out, people.

I wish the pneumonia debacle ended here, with conservatives throwing out some bullshit and liberals all simultaneously doing a shitty impression of Jon Stewart back at them, but it doesn’t. “You’ll stoop to our level?” asked the Trump supporters, “Well, how about this one then?


If you’re too lazy to follow that link, basically Trump supporters now believe that Hillary is running out a body double to convince people that she isn’t as sick as she really is. Their evidence is basically two pictures of her where she looks slightly different or something? I didn’t bother digging too deeply into it. I just know that I hate it.

I think the point to take out of all of this is that everybody has gone insane and politics is now forever ruined. When we allow conversations to devolve to one side shouting that Hillary Clinton is secretly sick and deploying body doubles to protect her image and the other side shouting that no, she’s actually really strong and a powerful woman because she got sick and decided not to stay in bed like her doctors told her, then nobody wins. Focus is lost, debate is dead, and people suffer.

This presidential election is stupid. Everything about it is awful. Even this article is terrible and shouldn’t have been written. Somebody please cut me off from the internet and stop me from logging in. I’m slowly dying inside. Help.