By Dylan Shearer
The first presidential debate is tonight. It’s being broadcast on all the major channels. It’ll probably blow Monday Night Football out of the water in ratings. It will change absolutely no one’s mind about who they’re going to vote for. The last time presidential debates actually mattered was Nixon versus Kennedy when, as the story goes, TV watchers fell in love with Kennedy and radio listeners, Nixon. Since then the election “season” has become so long (we’ve been at this for over a year) and the parties so set in their platforms that the debates decide absolutely nothing.
Without exaggerating too much, nothing that either of the candidates do at this debate will change anything. Trump could call Hillary a cuck and Clinton could faint on stage, and their numbers would stay the same. The apocalyptic rhetoric of this election has been ratcheted up to such great heights that not voting Democratic/Republican because of some sort of Dan Qualye-esque mistake will probably be decried as treason by the parties at large.
While these debates often get staged as a life or death, do or die, mano a mano, cage match, in reality they are usually bland affairs with the candidates each spouting off the same canned lines and party approved platitudes they’ve been using at their fundraising speeches since the primaries. Sure, Trump will say something wildly outré about Muslims or Hispanics, but as has been proven time and time again, that is now totally acceptable in America. Clinton will make a reference to a meme and then promise to do the same things that Obama has been doing for the last 8 years, which is exactly what’s been happening every day of the election so far. This won’t be some sort of Douglas/Lincoln debate where freedom and liberty, etc., etc. are argued about. It’ll be like a Twitter fight where @PepeHImmler88 and @HillaryisBey caps lock tweet at each other for 4 hours, just on TV. And just remember, Lincoln lost that election.
So on Tuesday, when MSNBC declares Clinton the winner, and Fox, Trump, just remember that this is not a high school debate. The candidates don’t get points for logical arguments made. It is all subjective. The candidates’ only job at these debates is to be able to pronounce ISIS correctly and say “fuck", and even that is going away. And in case this article is becoming a real downer, just remember that you can live tweet the whole thing and if you use the appropriate hashtag you’ll probably get one-or-two people yelling at you over the internet, which is all you wanted anyway.
To make it more fun, The Blowhard has created a drinking game just for this election. (Please drink responsibly, and do not follow all of these rules).
Take a Drink Whenever:
Trump is racist and/or sexist
Clinton references a meme
Clinton says something along the lines of "I may not be [pop culture reference] but I can still [related pop culture reference]"
Clinton/Trump promises to end ISIS/terrorism through some sort of vague plan
Someone calls cops "heroes"
No one mentions white privilege
Trump says he's a billionaire
Benghazi/Clinton's emails/Trump's taxes are mentioned
Someone tells a personal about a probably made up person
Reagan or Obama are mentioned
Trump says "absolutely"
Clinton rolls her eyes