The Surest Fire Way to Predict the Outcome of this Election

Ya got it, this is a joke article. If you can’t take a joke, stop reading now and tweet your anger @mcsweeds; but if you’re cool, keep reading.

While most pundits and news sites will tell you that it comes down to numbers, census data, and whatever the hell other college-math witchcraft Nate Silver comes up with in between baseball seasons, the truth to predicting elections is very simple: it all comes down to food.

You see, winning the presidential election really means winning the most electoral votes, which come from winning states, and some states have more electoral votes than others. This means a presidential candidate does not have to win the most votes, they simply have to win the most correct states. Every state could be a split decision, a fifty-fifty near draw, but as long as enough of them split in one candidate’s favor, we have democracy or something.

So everyone wants to know! Who will these states give their rose to? Hillary “Definitely Worse at Email Than Bernie” Clinton? Or Donald “Russian Prime Minister of the Deplorable” Trump? It’s hard to tell. Most states are unpredictable, individualistic polities that have nothing in common with D.C. or New York, or wherever else statistical think tanks come from. So how are they supposed to predict the movements of people they know nothing about?

Here’s how: Every state has a state food, and that food has meaning (as we all know and agree). We know this because nothing reflects an individual’s personality more than the food they eat. By analyzing those state food choices, we can know which candidate fits the state’s mindset best and finally put this whole election thing to rest.

So let’s break this down.

My Ten Swing States (that I pulled from other sources)

Colorado:

They don’t have an official state food, so a strong start to my theory.

They’re probably too busy getting high on legal weed to decide shit like that and just order a pizza. I can’t remember ever seeing Hillary eat anything while Donald keeps taking selfies with his dinner. Hillary gets this one.

Florida:

Their state food is the orange, and their state drink is orange juice (no one asked, but they wanted us to know so we’d stop asking why so many Floridians are taking bath salts all the time.) Donald is orange. No brainer.

They also have a state dessert, which is Key Lime Pie. Fluffy and soft on top but crumbly on the bottom. Definitely sounds like Trump to me.

Michigan:

They don’t have a state food either, but, unlike Colorado, I actually found a few sites asking for people to weigh in on what they wanted the state food to be, or outright asking for suggestions. I kind of like that. The tone of the websites was, “We’re missing out on the fun!” which cheered me.

Wanting to be a part of the party but not knowing how to join, saying whatever they tell you to in blind acceptance? Sounds like a Trump!

New Hampshire:

These guys have the pumpkin as their state fruit and the white potato as their state vegetable. Orange and white. Seems very Trump, right?

Except then I thought about it and realized that both of these foods are hardy staple crops that offer good sustenance and can be grown easily while not being particularly flavorful. That’s definitely a Hillary.

Iowa:

No state food again. I’m starting to sense a correlation between being a regular battleground state and not having a state food. Why that is, I don’t know, but it sure is making my silly article harder to write.

I literally could not find anything about state foods for Iowa, not even suggestions or foods they’re known for. Do people in Iowa eat? I don’t know. Hillary.

North Carolina:

This state is a mess. They have a state red berry and a state blue berry, I mean what? And guess what those are? The strawberry and the blueberry. You’re not surprised because strawberries and blueberries are literally defined as “a red berry” and “a blue berry” in the dictionary. They couldn’t have reduced it down to one berry at least? Also they have a completely separate state fruit, the Scuppernong Grape, and their vegetable is the sweet potato.

Just a big, cloying mess. Trump gets it.

Ohio:

Their state fruit is the tomato and their state nut is the buckeye. The tomato is a very sensible, normal choice that almost makes me say Hillary, but the buckeye makes me waver.

You see, I lived in Ohio for school, and I learned something while I was there. Buckeyes aren’t just a state nut, they’re a goddamn branding campaign. Buckeyes are candies, mascots, and trees down there. You cannot escape the name Buckeye. That kind of media control is definitely a Trump move. So close Hillary, but this is a Trump state now (at the moment I type this, I hear the echo of so many of my college friends crying.)

Pennsylvania:

Again, we have a case of a state not having an “official” state food as voted by their government, but there’s an unofficial one chosen by the people. In this case milk and cookies. Way to be bold guys. I guess Santa gets these guys?

Nah that’s silly, the Steelers and the Bengals have an eternal rivalry apparently so I’m leaning Hillary. Basic safe choice that doesn’t offend anyone but gets the job done? Sounds like Tim Kaine to me, which means Hillary gets their vote.

Virginia:

They have a state muffin, specifically blueberry. They also have the state dessert of iced cream. Muffins and ice cream, not too much scandal there. I had a muffin for breakfast the other day and it made me feel pretty good about Planned Parenthood.

Muffins are basically a mini baked cake that we’re allowed to eat for breakfast which is inadvisable but par for the course for Americans. Ice cream is just whipped cream with added salt, ice, and sugar. Cold but effective. Hillary.

Wisconsin:

State fruit is the cranberry, and the state grain is corn. Pretty basic and bland, which made me think Hillary . . . until I found out that they have a state pastry called a Kringle. I don’t know what the hell a Kringle is, what it tastes like, or where the hell it even came from.

So Trump on that one. Did Trump provide his birth certificate already? I thought he mentioned he was going to do that or something.

End Result:

Hillary: 5

Trump: 5

Oops, a tie! Well, I guess this whole prediction process was pointless and based on biased and subjective data. I’ll take my findings with a grain of salt and wait to see what happens in November.

Hint, hint.

By the way, for anyone who thinks this was a crazy and pointless exercise, I say two things. One, all of my predictions matched projections at fivethirtyeight.com (as of September 27th at least,) and two, people in elected positions had to sit in a room and vote on these foods for some reason. That was their day at work when they weren’t setting their state budget.

My point being that this article might be silly, but so is this election, and so is our government, and so is life.