By: Brad Kneeland
This election is arguably the most intense, divisive, and important election of our lifetime. I am a nervous hot mess counting down the days until the election, checking the polls hourly, checking the news, lighting my prayer candles, and doing nothing less than a sacrifice to the heavens to make sure Hillary Clinton locks this election down. Election season seems to start earlier and earlier every cycle. I feel like the ads and the campaigning begin as soon as the new president is sworn in on January 20th, and while this particular election has been hard to stomach, I have created a list of the top ten good things to have come out of this election.
10) Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuits
Let us take a minute to appreciate the work of art that is Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits, which are of every color imaginable. There is a color for every occasion, mood, and theme. Hillary’s wardrobe lights up brighter than a Lite-Brite, showing us that fashion can be fun and functional.
9) Deleting Trump Supporters from Facebook
Have you ever wanted to “downsize” your life? Are you trying to remove people from social media whom you aren’t really close with but don’t know where to begin? Look no further than to see who is supporting Donald Trump! My timeline is smaller, cleaner, and a lot less racist these days.
8) Comic Relief from Gary Johnson and Jill Stein
Let’s be honest—it is nice to have more options than just two people when it comes to voting for president, especially when Gary Johnson and Jill Stein are the other two candidates running for president. Between Gary Johnson knowing nothing about world affairs or Jill Stein taking the wrong flight to her campaign rally, these two have provided hours of laughter and late night fodder while also confirming what we have all suspected but never had the guts to say out loud: if Gary Johnson is president, he’ll get us all killed, and if Jill Stein is president, she’ll probably drown taking a shower before the end of her first term.
7) Historical Firsts
I know what everyone is thinking—that Hillary Clinton being the first woman to be nominated for president on a major party ticket is the historical first I am referencing. Wrong. I am referencing the historical first that is Donald Trump being the first sad sack of potato salad to be nominated for president on a major party ticket. Seriously, his body is the consistency of potato salad, and I think it’s inspiring to see him break down that barrier for similarly situated bodies. God bless America.
6) Ted Cruz’s Lack of a Backbone
I was in awe of Ted Cruz refusing to endorse Donald Trump at the GOP Convention. For the first time in my life, I actually had a shred of respect for that bigot for refusing to endorse the man who had insulted his father and wife. Then Ted Cruz turned around and endorsed Donald Trump, and just like that I’m back to comparing Cruz’s appearance to that of Eddy Munster.
5) Debate Drinking Games
1 shot if someone brings up “emails.” 2 shots if someone brings up “Benghazi.” Finish the bottle if someone brings up “Rosie O’Donnell.”
4) Melania Trump Plagiarizing Queen Michelle Robinson Obama
To be fair, I don’t think they covered public speaking at Trump University.
3) Meet Tim Kaine
Tim Kaine is like America’s dad. Not the “dads” who buy my friends and I drinks at the bars, but like the adorably dorky dad who chaperones his kid’s dance after he leads an Eagle Scout meeting and then maybe comes home to have a stiff drink of Ovaltine before bed. I don’t know about you, but I’m comforted by the fact that the only scandal that our potential next vice president has ever faced was the time he didn’t return the #2 pencil after his big exam.
2) Bartlet for President
Does anyone else watch the West Wing on Netflix and just wish we could have Jed Bartlet as our president?
1) Nostalgia for Bill Clinton
Does anyone else miss the '90s, when Bill Clinton’s sex life was the biggest challenge that our nation had to weather? I’ll take the blue dress over Donald Trump’s fascism any day of the week.