by Dylan Shearer (this post originally published Here)
As anyone who follows me on social media, or in real life, knows I’ve often made the argument that the Beatles are trash. Most people assume this is some sort of troll or perfidy designed to elicit sanctimonious rage from people who can’t help but get mad online. This is so far from the truth as to make it laughable. I honestly and truly believe that the Beatles are trash and are only listened to by bad, dumb people and this internet commenter who thinks liking the Beatles and Green Day is a “broad range”.
Of course, I was not always aware of the truth about the Beatles. I was first led into the light by internet heroes @Desusnice and @THEKIDMERO and their podcast The Bodega Boys. These prophets blessed me with their knowledge and allowed me to wipe away the years of indoctrination from my eyes and gaze squinty-eyed but enlightened into a new world. As these two St. Johns saved me from a life of misery and ignorance I will attempt to do the same for you. These following words, no matter how weak or mistyped, are the simple attempt of a simple man to bring you to the aural truth that exists all around us and goes unrecognized by so many. Consider these, if you’ll permit the author the indulgence, a sort of 95 Theses. An attempt to start a revolution against the idolatry, corruption and bad thinking that currently exists in the modern world of music appreciation.
And now we begin:
This song is garbage. Straight trash. Unlistenable. Lennon once called this “The Future of Music.” Boy was he wrong. And yet it still appeared on an album Rolling Stone considers the 10th best album of all time. C’mon. This sounds like someone recorded Glenn Beck while high on Molly and then ran it backwards through the VCR my parent’s have in their attic. Not even Vanilla fucking Ice would put us through that shit. He’s not full enough of himself to think he can pull that garbage off.
Speaking of “the future of music”, you know what the future of music was? This.
Kanye never made a Revolution 9. And people think Kanye is more conceited than all the Beatles combined. That’s laughable. The worst song Kanye ever made is Barry Bonds and that shit still bangs if you take out the shitty Yeezy verse. Why am I using Kayne so much? He worked with McCartney. Paul sees him as a colleague even if Kanye is obviously 10,000 miles ahead of the worst Beatle and very obviously just doing it to lend little Paulie M a hand.
And no, it’s not just this one song. Yes, I can see your smug little face just waiting to say something about how “it’s just one song, even Elvis made some bad songs.” Well guess what, it’s not just one song, and Elvis was basura too.
These are all garbage songs. Not a banger among em. I want to Hold Your Hand went number 1. Number 1. If that noise was released during any other time than the shitty-ass 60’s it would have bombed and the Beatles would have been a has-been band touring state fairs in Edinburgh for Guinness money. The only good Beatles song is Drive My Car and that’s only because the radio station I used to listen to used that satanic “beep beep em beep yeah” lyric when they did traffic alerts, and it annoyed the hell out of my parents. I mean just listen to this. So great if you’re a 9 year old who is purposefully trying to annoy the hell out of his parents.
The musicality is all beside the point however—to each their own I guess. Everyone has his or her thing. The taste argument can only go so far. So people are just predisposed to like horrible nonsense.
The real problem is that everyone always tries to argue that the Beatles are timeless/or highly influential. This is the root of the problem. The Beatles are neither.
Let me prove it to you. Open up your iTunes, or Windows Media Player if you’re a Timothy McVeigh level psychopath, and find your Beatles. Everyone has the Beatles in their iTunes. I have the Beatles in my iTunes, and I hate them. They are aural stains on your bathtub. You’re not quite sure how to get rid of them, and you think they might have always been there. But in any case, look at your last played. When was it? A month ago? A year. It was for sure a long-ass time ago.
You know why? Cause they suck, and you only listen to them by accident when they come up on shuffle and you can’t be bothered to change the song cause it's too much work. This is currently one of my favorite songs, and I listen to it multiple times a day.
You know why? Cause its good. Not because there’s some sense that it’s a timeless masterpiece that has influenced thousand of other bands and will continue to for generations to come.
There’s a quote from Brian Eno about how everyone who listened to The Velvet Underground and Nico started a band.
You know what everyone who listened to the Rubber Soul did? Grew out their hair, bought a sitar, and became a fake mystic. Roger Daltrey’s farts were more influential then the damn Beatles. The only thing the Beatles influenced were The Monkees and the thousands of other corporate bands formed to make a buck of the Lads of Liverpool.
I mean where’s the Beatles influence in the best damn song of 2015? Nowhere.
And also what the hell are they doing now? Arguing over streaming rights? Ringo Starr is probably filming a damn Nextel commercial so he can feed the 1500 lizards I bet he keeps in his mansion. And Paul McCartney? That guy who once wrote a song about “Scrambled Eggs.” The last time he had a hit he needed help from Kanye and Rihanna. Couldn’t do that shit by himself. It’s going to be about four/five seconds till this dude drowns in a pool of his own self-importance.
Anyway. The Beatles are trash, and this last song is the only song you should ever listen to. Cause it’ll get you hyped enough to kill an ostrich with your bare hands. And no song the Beatles ever wrote could make you do that.