Working Across The Aisle

By Brittany Handler

For a different take working across the aisle, check out Dylan Shearer's article from last week. 

So I went to the front page of the New York Times this week (what a pretentious way to start a piece), and I saw a little blurb about the Democrat running to be a Missouri senator, Jason Kander. Kander is running against the incumbent, Roy Blunt.

Now I’m from Missouri, and there is one Missouri politician that I hate. I think he may be my LEAST favorite politician from Missouri, and he TRULY makes me embarrassed to tell people where I’m from. That senator is Roy Blunt. That award formerly went to Todd Akin, but with his whole “legitimate rape” thing back in 2012, is he really a politician anymore? Man, if only grabbing pussies was as damning as legitimate rape.

ANYWAY, Roy Blunt sucks massively. I don’t know the exact statistics, and I’m not gonna claim I do, but he gets a BUTT ton of money from the NRA, my biggest sworn enemy. They don’t know this, but one day they will. And I can only hope that when they do know, a 20 something Midwestern comedian who hasn’t done laundry in 4 weeks and is wearing swimsuit bottoms for underwear because everything else is dirty, scares the shit out of them.

SO when I heard who was running against Roy Blunt, obviously I supported him because of the pure garbage that Roy Blunt truly is. His name was Jason Kander. And then Kander’s campaign ad came out, and I was annoyed. The ad is about 30 seconds, and in it he assembles an assault rifle blind folded. I didn’t watch the ad because I was pissed. THIS is the person Missouri picks to run against the scum of the earth that is Roy Blunt? Cool, Missouri. REALLLLL cool. We love our guns so much that our only other option aside from the scummy, slimy, greasy looking white dude who takes cat naps in the pocket of the NRA and sees a vagina as the place where his dick goes when he needs to feel better about himself for approximately 42 seconds is a dude who ASSEMBLES AN ASSAULT RIFLE BLINDFOLDED.

But then I watched the ad. I watched it, and I read up on Kander. And Kander has struck gold. He is what all politicians NEED to be. The ad, like I said, is about 30 seconds long, and Kander assembles an assault rifle blindfolded. But while he assembles it, he talks about common sense gun control. He challenges Roy Blunt, telling him how much he knows about guns and how he supports the 2nd amendment and how he would “like to see senator Blunt do this.” (Literally watch the ad. I have the hugest crush on this dude, and my boyfriend has preapproved a hall pass here so, WHERE YOU AT JASON?? Also fun fact for the musical theatre nerd in me, his great uncle is John Kander of the composing team Kander and Ebb! If that means nothing to you, move along.) 

So what has Kander struck here that every single other goddamn politician in this country ACROSS THE AISLE needs to grasp? Bipartisanship. It’s not hard y'all. Kander mentions that he supports 2nd amendment rights. But he also shows that he knows what the hell he’s talking about when it comes to guns. And he cares about the safety of Americans. He reaches out in this ad to gun control supporters but ALSO gun owners . . . who knew the two could BOTH be reached at once?? I certainly didn’t. But in this 30 second ad, Kander does something amazing. He tells us that as a politician, he CAN and WANTS to support all of his constituents. 

And that’s the problem with so many politicians. So many politicians are so busy being paid by lobbyist groups and special interest groups or just being plain stubborn, that they aren’t willing to find that middle ground. They aren’t willing to reach out to the other side because the other side is stupid or ignorant or wrong. (I will include myself in that group because although I’m not a politician, I consistently call Republicans “human garbage.”)

We don’t need to make America “great” again. But, why don’t we all take a page out of Jason Kander (my new boyfriend’s™) book? Let’s make America LISTEN again.