The Worst Shows On TV

by Dylan Shearer

If you live in the United States there is a lot of TV. Enough TV that it’s physically impossible to ever consume it all, even if you did nothing but watch TV 24/7 from the day you were born till the day you die. And even if you bring it down to “good TV,” you would still be missing some of the "must-see” shows. If living in a constant state of FOMO is wearing you down, there’s no more need to worry. The Blowhard’s got you. I’ve compiled a list of TV that it’s absolutely okay to miss, because they are absolute trash that you don’t need to watch. You’re welcome.

Westworld – This is garbage. It’s porn for IT nerds. The kids from Stranger Things definitely would masturbate to this. Nothing has happened since the first episode. It’s a soulless conduit for bullshit ethical conceits. And it has a damn orchestral cover of “Paint it Black.” Give me a damn break. Happy Endings was able to talk about robots in a more realistic way.

Black Mirror – Yawn. This is a TV show for people who read Orwell once in college and think they understand society's true madness. It’s edgy for being edgy. Which as Twitter hero @Cushbomb once wrote, “edgy is for tryhard dorks.” Ohh a politician porked a pig. Ahh, humans are ranked or whatever. Lame. Go make out with Stephen King or whatever. Happy Endings did psychological terror 100x better than this show.

Game of Thrones – All this show has proved is that everyone in America wants to bone their siblings. Unlike Happy Endings, where the siblings only hugged. This show has no endpoint in sight and is propped up by b-grade movie quality set pieces and tits. And the creators seem to live on rape fantasies. Dumb.

Girls – Really? People actually liked this? C’mon on man. The University of Iowa’s writing program was like a central plot point. Barf. Give me that classic Happy Endings bit of Penny saying “ah-mahzing” any day.

True Detective – This show was meaningless drivel. Piffle. Emptier than popover. Dreck. Nihilist basura. Unlike Happy Endings, which actually had some meaning behind it.

The Walking Dead – Give me a break. The only good zombies are in Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later. Even Happy Endings did zombies better.

Mad Men – This show is for alcoholics who buy suits at Men’s Warehouse. Only divorced dads watch this shit. Period appropriate cigarettes and tailoring does not make a good show. Unlike the authentic costumes in Happy Endings that really tied everything together.

House of Cards – This show is for Political Science nerdlingers who look up to Lex Luthor as a hero. It’s West Wing (another dumbass show) for people who worship Kissinger. This show is directly responsible for the rise of Trump, unlike happy Endings, which would have been pro-Hillary.

The Sopranos – Did you see that episode of Happy Endings where Max turned into a pretty-much literal bear? It’s great. He gets his head stuck in some honey. Great stuff. Unlike whatever the hell this show for idiots is.

So there you have it. All those shows suck and you shouldn’t watch them. Just re-watch Happy Endings again. It’s great and will never let you down.

Here are some other shows that blow just in case you run into them.

  1. M*A*S*H*
  2. The Simpsons
  3. Futurama
  4. Friends
  5. Party Down
  6. Arrested Development
  7. Seinfeld
  8. Curb Your Enthusiasm
  9. Daredevil
  10. Jessica Jones
  11. The Office
  12. 30 Rock
  13. True Detective
  14. Broad City