The Blowhard Thanksgiving Survival Guide: TRUMP EDITION

If there ever were a day for America to spontaneously devolve into apocalyptic mayhem, it would be Thanksgiving, 2016. Only a few weeks after one of the most contentious and emotional elections in recent history, Americans will all gather with their extended families to sit in close quarters with sharp eating utensils, plenty of booze, and vicious bloodsport on the TV in the background. You heard it here first, folks: punches will be thrown, the good china will be smashed, and there will be an increase in deep fat frying “accidents.” The United States will be a Mad Max-esque wasteland by the end of the day, I guarantee it. 

Luckily for you, I’m a skilled survivalist and family maneuverer, and I’m here to say that there’s a way through. At the end of the day, you might be stuck living in a burnt husk of a country, but you’ll be alive which means you won, and winning is all that’s important now. So whether you’re a die hard Trump fan, a true blue neo lib, apolitical, or even a libertarian, keep on reading because your life may depend on it.

 Shit's about to go down.

Shit's about to go down.


The Major Factions


Trump Die Hards:

There’s at least one at every Thanksgiving table. They will be insufferable, and, honestly, I can’t blame them. If I had just pulled off the type of upset win that Trump supporters have, I’d shove it in everyone’s faces too. In addition, they’ve spent years and years being dismissed as the crazy, racist uncle and mocked by the liberal cousins. Now they finally have some validation, and there will be hell to pay.

Strategy for Trump Die Hards: Congratulations, you have the momentum right now. This is your moment. But watch out! Nothing is more dangerous than a wounded animal, and the liberals just took a shot to the knee. They’ll be looking to come after you. I suggest an aggressive, no-mercy strategy. When it’s time to give thanks, say you’re “thankful for those dumbass liberals finally getting what’s coming to them” and then flip the table and let the rumble begin. The millennials will be caught off guard by such an early attack, and in the heat of the moment, the libertarians will side with you, which will help even the numbers. The apolitical will run and hide.

Strengths: confidence stemming from no-fear of government retribution; guns; increased stamina gained from standing during the national anthem

Weaknesses: outnumbered; stuck on the moral low-ground, which, as Star Wars taught us, is a bad place to fight from; still a little buzzed from all that beer



Well, well, well, how the mighty have fallen. After 8 years of smugness and elitism, the neoliberals have been dethroned. But they’re not down and out yet. Fueled by passion for righting injustice, Leonard Cohen’s "Hallelujah" sung by Kate McKinnon dressed as Hillary Clinton, and a compulsive need to get all that power they lost back, the Neoliberals are still a force to be reckoned with.

Strategy for Neoliberals: My suggestion is for you is to look towards the Empire in the original Star Wars trilogy. What did they do when some upstart with bad blond hair destroyed the Death Star? They built a bigger one. Don’t let the Trump Die Hards goad you into a direct attack right now, but lay the foundation for a later one. Pull the Bernie Bros, the apolitical, and the socialists aside and whisper in their ear about racism, misogyny, and Harry Potter. When it’s your turn to say what you’re thankful for, say “Hope and love and kindness, because they are a light to guide the way even in the darkest of times.” If and when fighting breaks out, stick together with your fellow Neolibs, because your strength is in numbers and, when the time is right, lead a charge by using the gravy boat as a club and yelling “Michelle 2020!”

Strengths: fighting from the moral high ground of uh, global capitalism and drone strikes; numbers; the combined forces of the Illuminati; not distracted by the football game on TV because “lol sportsball”

Weaknesses: protein deficiency from vegetarianism; easily surprised—Thanksgiving is the one time of the year they leave their echo chamber; Lena Dunham


Sub Groups and Outside Factions


The Apolitical:

They would be considered a major faction if they actually cared that much. Some of these people voted, some didn’t, but mostly all of it bores them. They just wish everybody got along so they could organize the family touch football game this year. 

Strategy for The Apolitical: Play the two major factions off each other and then stay back. If the Neolibs get a little chippy about immoral people who didn’t vote for Clinton, point out how The Trump Die Hards are currently building a wall between their turkey and green beans with their mashed potatoes and how messed up that is. If the Die Hards try to recruit you, tell them the Neolibs thought having Sweet Potato Pie was appropriation. Sit back and watch the fireworks.

Strengths: invisibility; extra energy from the turkey they were shoving down their throats while everyone else argued

Weaknesses: at the whim of whoever comes out on top; ran out of stuff to watch on Netflix a while ago


The Alt-Right/Neo-Nazis:

Extreme subgroup within the Trump Die Hards. Oftentimes the pissed off children of the Apolitical or Die Hards. They like memes a lot and try to work them into conversation a little too much. 99% male. Very mad that the adults won’t let them drink any alcohol or wear their MAGA hat at the dinner table.

Strategy for The Alt-Right: Same as the Die Hards, except don’t stop. Keep fighting until you’re the only one left and everyone has submitted to your Alpha male-ness. When all's said and done, eat the turkey with your bare hands to show dominance. They’ll be sorry they didn’t take the Red Pill like you did now that Trump is president.

Strengths: magic powers bestowed on them for being incel; anger; strong right forearms

Weaknesses: Secretly in love with their hot Neolib cousin, may lead to internal conflict when the fighting breaks out; poor social skills


Bernie Bros:

These guys just got back home from their sophomore year of college, and now they’re smarter and better people than the rest of their family. Pretty crazy how that happens. Like their Alt Right/Neo-Nazi opposites, they’re also good at meme-ing.

Strategy for Bernie Bros: Now that the Neolibs took a hit and are a little less high and mighty, here’s your chance to convert them. Pull them aside and talk about how Doctor Who is a socialist or whatever, and they’ll eat it up. When the fighting breaks out, you’ll naturally be paired off against the Alt/Right Neo-Nazis. If you remain calm, it should be pretty easy to goad them into doing something stupid. Irony works well.

Strengths: smart—two years into a bachelor’s degree in Political Science; keeps the playing field even by making sure everybody gets an equal sized plate of food

Weaknesses: everybody kinda thinks they’re a douche; susceptible to dirty politics; will most likely be the one stuck with cleaning up everything at the end of the day