by Brittany Handler
I love you. Like REALLY, REALLY love you. In fact, when asked the popular party game question “if you could have a threesome with any celebrity couple who would it be?” I always pick you and Michelle.(Not a popular party game? Oh.) But I also follow up knowing that you two would be making sweet, sweet, beautiful love, while I masturbate in the corner. [Editor's note: Technically that's not a threesome. Also, the real answer to the threesome question is 2003 era Brad and Jen].
Thank you for the last eight years. As a politically active child, you could not have been a more perfect person to be my first vote as an 18 year old (except for maybe Hillary Clinton, but I HAVE MOVED ON. Jk I never will. It’s ok you agree that she was more qualified than you. You’ve said that.)
Thank you for the Affordable Care Act. Thank you for providing health care to millions of Americans who were otherwise left in the dark. Yeah, it has its issues, but come on, what doesn’t these days? Nothing is perfect when it starts out! (Except for you. You are perfect. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.)
You were the first campaign I worked on. And I was a stupid 20 year old who just stopped going to campaign events, so that was my bad. But you won still! And I give myself credit for the 4 days that summer (I think I made it 4 days.) that I stuck it out phone banking before I wanted to sleep in, go tubing down the Boulder creek, and get illegally drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And working those 4 days on that campaign taught me just how hard a campaign is. (Hence, why I stopped going. 20 year old me was not down with working that hard the summer after her sophomore year of college. Hellooooooo, it’s called summer BREAK.)
You treat women as human beings. And not just as human beings but as equals. You acknowledge everyone who isn’t a rich, straight, white, male as individuals who deserve the same rights as everyone else. You SEE everyone. You fight for the good of every, single American, even those who vowed to impeach you or to vote against anything you proposed, even if it was universal fucking health care for all Americans.
This is a long rambly letter because I love you so much and I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that you are only my president for three more days. Typing that, I’m still in denial. I don’t know when it will hit me. Maybe when I finally let myself watch your final address. Maybe when I lose my health insurance. Maybe when the new administration forces me into a marriage where I must cook and clean and produce as many babies as my uterus will allow all while maintaining a small frame, big boobs, and wearing little more than lingerie everywhere I go. Or maybe it will be as we enter the imminent nuclear war because of a hate mongering child with his finger on the nuclear codes the second Emma Thompson denounces him in an Oscar speech.
But you have taught me more than I ever thought a president could. Thank you for fighting for everyone. Thank you for showing us what a real leader is. Thank you for your compassion, your fight, your strength and your sense of humor. Thank you for showing the rest of the world what America actually represents. And thank you for being my first presidential campaign to be a part of.
Love always, to you and your entire family, (Bo and Sunny too),