Welcome to the New Age of Argument.

by Nathen Cantu-Villarreal

You’re probably already aware that people don’t agree much these days, especially when you go around trying to be social and meet new people. So, I’ve devised the ultimate resource for having a civil argument in this day and age–and how to win, because there’s nothing more important than reaffirming your point of view and denying your opponent’s very existence.

Step 1: Dehumanize

Your opponent deserves your respect as a fly deserves the drink you’ve just lost your appetite for the second it drowned in it.

You won’t be able to destroy them (in argument) if you consider them your equal. Remember, these people don’t have the same opinions that you do, therefore they are less human than you, which makes you more human in their presence. They obviously don’t have the empathy or emotions that come with being a full human like you.

Step 2: Speak Louder

Loud enough to drown them out. You don’t want other people hearing their meaningless dribble, so make sure you let it be known that you are the proper source of information, and you can do this by making their voice but a murmur in the distance.

This is also your chance to find other people that agree with you in the room. If you see people scowling in your direction, it’s only because they support your decision and are upset that someone didn’t have enough common sense to support the correct side, that being your side.

Step 3: Non Sequiturs

While you're drowning your opponent (in argument), you might find yourself running out of relevant things to say. You should take note that this is the perfect opportunity to bring up unrelated subjects!

Arguing about why you should build a wall? Bring up the longer lines that have been appearing at grocery stores.

Arguing about why you think Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t deserve his Oscar? Bring up how you think bears don’t get enough credit in the film industry.

Don’t want higher taxes on your wages? Bring up how you’re only able to afford a 12oz coffee, twice a day, instead of two 36oz Caramel Lattes that you would always rather have.

If you’re really good at this step, you’ll eventually be able to turn your non sequitur into a completely different argument–another that you are sure to win!

Step 4: Disengage

Once you’ve made the effort to keep your voice in their heads and their own opinions completely out, and once you’ve decided to stop coming up with different arguments, you can leave.

Just go. You’ve said your part and you don’t need to hear anyone else’s, and a confident stride off of your soapbox is just the way to finish your dispute. You don’t need any of their obviously wrong ideas floating into your ears, so why bother? And if you place your hands around your ears as you leave, all the better.

There it is, you’ve done it–you had a civilized argument, and the world is better for it; and if you disagree with me, then you’re obviously wrong and I’ve had enough of your gibberish.