If you’re reading this it’s already too late. You fucked up Valentine’s Day. Your Valentine will be devastated, and your relationship ruined. “To fuck up Valentine’s Day,” in the words of the immortal philosopher St. Valentine, “is to fuck up your life.”
BUT HAVE NO FEAR!!
The Blowhard is here to save you—in the loosest possible sense of the word. Here’s a list of like 7 (for February 14th, natch, 7x2 is 14, see) things that you could do to salvage some last bit of hope out of whatever wreck of a relationship you're in that caused you to miss Valentine’s Day.
Heart Shaped Food:
Everyone one and their damn Mom is selling heart-shaped food tomorrow. Even the damn tamale lady outside my house is making heart-shaped tamales for V-Day. Buy some, throw it on the stove and call it a day.
Make a Mix-tape:
Throw some Sade, D’Angelo, and Barry White on, and you’re set. Maybe a little Frank Ocean if you’re a millennial. Just every cliché song about boning you can think of. Put it on.
The Backrub Coupon Shit:
Listen, this worked in 4th grade for a Mother’s Day present, so why the hell can’t it work as an adult for a Valentine’s Day present? Try it out, maybe it’ll be endearingly shitty.
Blanking out? Still not sure what to do? Been dating for more than a year? Do it tomorrow. Just get married already you idiot.
Walk the Dog?
I don’t know. Is this like a thing couples do for each other? Seems like it would be. Maybe walk the dog. Call it role reversal foreplay to make it sexy.
Go to a Fancy Restaurant and Pretend You Had a Reservation:
This is some real scumbag shit. Throw like a whole scene. Maybe you’ll even convince them that you actually had a reservation? I’m sure your significant other likes to see you make a big ol' public fuss over them.
Don’t Cheat on Them With Their Sibling:
Were you planning on doing this? Then don’t do it tomorrow. Hold off a day. It’s a nice gesture of respect and love.
If none of these options seem right, or end up not working, there’s always the nuclear option—break up with them. Like I’ve always said, if they get mad at you for fucking up a holiday specifically designed to be about your relationship, they ain’t worth keeping around.