It’s BRACKET SEASON BABY. This is something that I regularly scream out loud throughout the entire month of March. Yeah, I’m that guy. People love me. There’s honestly nothing better than seeing 64 teams ranked against each other for the purposes of one-on-one combat. And yeah, I said 64. That First Four play-in nonsense is amateur bullshit. What? That’s what I thought, chump.
So this year I thought I’d give my loyal readers a look at my MENSA level bracketology (you can use that) skills. So I came up with some quick tips that even the dumbest, most idiotic, moronic, numbskull (read: you) people can use to make their bracket beat Jared from Accounting’s. You’re welcome dorks.
BE THE BRACKET:
Breathe brackets. Live them. I sleep under a bracket patterned comforter for all of March. I inject ESPN right into my main vein. I stole Marv Albert’s toenail clippings and ate them. I am March MADNESS! IT’S CALLED THAT FOR A REASON!
FUCK THE BRACKET:
No one has to know. Just do it. Trust me.
NEVER WATCH A SINGLE GAME OF NCAA BASKETBALL:
The games are irrelevant. And there are too damn many of them. Use the eye test. How fun is it to say the team name? Do you just somehow know who one of the players is by cultural osmosis? Pick that one.
INVEST ALL YOUR MONEY:
It’s not even worth it if you’re just going to lay down a lousy $20. Be like the players. Put it all on the damn line.
TRUST YOUR PETS:
An octopus picked the World Cup winners a while ago. Your cat is smarter than a damn octopus right? Lil' Mittens is smart as hell. Trust them.
SCREW THE HATERS:
Everyone doing better than you is cheating or is Nate Silver—who is giant nerd.
Go make your damn bracket. But don’t be sad when I beat you. Idiot.