Originally Published here
Soccer (neé football), as has been proven time and time again, is the only good sport. Every other sport from autocross to zebra racing is garbage and provides nothing of value to the universe. And while it is incredibly obvious how this is true, there exist in this world people who don’t understand even the most basic truths, and as such it is necessary to educate them. So please follow along as we walk through this unimpeachable discussion of how soccer is the only good sport.
Before it is definitively proven that soccer is the only good sport it must be proven that it is good. To do this we look back to the Ancient Greek philosophers and Captain Spock and trust their time-proven formulae for how to prove things are bad. I dare you to look at the following formal logical proof and find a damn thing wrong with it.
I submit to you that soccer is good.
Axioms (Already Proven Statements):
A: Humans Are Always Moving Closer To Death
B: It Is Impossible To Avoid Death Merely Delay It
C: To Live Is To Be Human
D: The Longer One Lives, The Longer One is Human
E: It Is Good To Be Human if You Were Born Human
F: Exercise Is A Way To Delay Death
G: Soccer Players Exercise
It is then obvious that anything that delays death is good for humans that were born humans. Soccer is exercise which delays death. Therefore soccer is good.
Suck on that football fans.
It is now evident that soccer is good. What must now be proven is that all other sports are bad. As this is so self-evident it hardly warrants any explanation. But here goes. I will Now Prove that all other sports are bad one-by-one
Football: Concussions, duh.
Baseball: Involves too many player sacrifices.
Hockey: Icing doesn’t belong in sports, just on cake
Cricket: Fake sport invented by the British to make everyone feel bad for not understanding it
Jai Alai: Saying hello to your friend Lie does not a sport make
Ōllamaliztli (aka that Aztec ball game): See baseball
Rugby: It’s like just because your ball is a bigger football doesn’t mean it’s a real sport.
Lacrosse: Way too East Coast bro-y to be good for anyone
Field Hockey: The only things I know about Field Hockey come from Freaky Friday which can’t really be a good sign for the sport
Chess: Buncha lame-ass nerds
Volleyball/Tennis/Badminton/Ping-Pong etc: Why are you behind a net? Are you afraid to face your opponent? C’mon.
Squash: In a box. Sports aren’t in 3d boxes. Just 2d boxes
Basketball: Pick-and-Roll sounds like something you used to do with your boogers
Any other sport I didn’t mention: Very bad b/c I couldn’t think of it in three minutes.
Well there you have it. I have proven once and for all, indisputably, that Soccer is the only sport and all others are trash. You are welcome!