Liquor has a long historical tradition in the US. Whiskey doubly so. The Whiskey Rebellion was one of the defining moments of George Washington’s presidency, the subject of many taxes, a medicine, and a huge part of a constitutional amendment. It is also the worst liquor. It is absolute garbage. Swill. Disgusting slop. Fit only for gutter rats, snakes, and various other vermin. Giving it to someone should be a war crime. Whiskey is good for only one thing, being disgusting.
There are of course people who adore whiskey. You can even buy a 500-page leather-bound tome on the subject from your local Barnes and Nobles. There are whole bars devoted to whiskey. There are like 900+ kinds of this disgusting vermin juice. There have been entire albums produced about this damn drink. It’s a huge industry. All for a disgusting fucking piss drink.
When is the last time you actually sat down, drank straight whiskey, or even a whiskey mixed drink, and declared “Ahh, now this is a refreshing drink. I would love to have some more.” Absolutely never. Whiskey is consumed only when you want to get drunk but want to pretend like you’re a profound individual. “I’m exactly like Charles Bukowski, or Herman Melville,” you’ll think to yourself as you grimace through a sip of Johnnie Walker Black in a fake crystal tumbler you bought when your Christmas bonus came in and you were trying to “be more adult.” “This is what wise smart people drink,” you think to yourself as you sit in a darkened room on a futon pretending to read Baudrillard or Foucault. Or, even worse, you’ll go to a bar and order some top-shelf rotten corn water and fucking sniff the goddamn Mason jar it came in like you’re a reincarnated early 20th Century hotelier going off about its notes of moss and charcoal.
But what is the alternative? Gin, that’s the goddamn alternative. Gin is a pure fucking liquor. It tastes like fucking juniper berries. And that’s it. None of this 50-year oak barrel aged nonsense. You need to combine it with 30 other made-up ingredients to make it into a palatable mixed drink. You just need to mix it with juice. Or Ginger beer if you have any on hand. Gin will never let you down. Unlike whiskey, which will push you off a damn cliff the minute you’re not looking at it.
I, of course, have friends who will try to defame me for this. They are completely wrong. “But Dylan,” they’ll cry, “how can you say this? Whiskey keeps you warm! It’s great for camping. I’ve seen you drink it!” All lies. Whiskey is moldy trash corn. Never drink it. Drink nice, pure gin instead. You’ll thank me later.