I want to start this missive off by letting everyone know that I am a proud centrist. I always have been, and god-willing, will always be. My ancestors, on both sides, have always been centrists, with the historical record showing that my great-great-grandad fought to keep Kentucky neutral during the Civil War, a brave and bold choice that would define our family for generations to come. I, in a small act of personal bravery that I want no plaudits for, have simply refused to adapt to modern digital Blu-ray technology, instead finding that the physical DVD is a perfect synthesis of the older VHS and more new-fangled untested Blu-rays and various streaming services.
But I am not here to talk about the ways in which we consume The West Wing and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, everyone’s favorite shows. I’m here to talk about an American tragedy, a truly miserable era in the history of Western Civilization, one that is happening right on my doorstep, a deeply tragic farce that has stayed in the dark for far too long. Dear reader, people are making fun of me and it’s not fair.
Before I list all the degradations that have been put upon my person by the horrible unparented miscreants in my digital neighborhood, I must first explain why these truly heinous vandals have been attacking my person. Or at least, what I assume to be the reason, for as I continue to consider it and turn it over in my mind, I cannot fathom why such an innocuous comment of mine would rend these once normal humans into rabid raving partisans of the first degree. I hope this situation is as clearly farcical to you as it is to me. As far as I can tell, what kicked this deeply horrendous experience off was a simple, truthful, tweet I did on May 16th, 2018 declaring, as we all know to be true, that “If they really wanted to John McCain, Alan Dershowitz, and Henry Kissinger could beat any of those random thug NBA teams in 3-on-3 basketball.” I tweeted this, knowing in my heart that this would be perhaps the least controversial tweet I had ever done, and went to sleep next to my gorgeous wife of ten years with whom I have three beautiful large sons.
When I woke up the next morning however, I was in for a huge shock. After checking the daily news and reading the most recent issues of the Washington Post, the New York Times and the Chicago Tribune (sports section only!), I checked Twitter hoping to see that my most recent tweet had gone viral, maybe even showing up in one of those Washington, D.C. morning newsletters I so adore (hi Jaime Weinstein!). Instead I was shocked to find that my feed was inundated with rude and shocking messages from accounts all over the world calling me “an idiot,” “a loser,” “a racist,” “so far up my own ass that not even Steph Curry could hit a three from that distance,” and saying that I looked like “someone ate a hardboiled egg with the shell still attached, spit it back up and then molded it into a person.” I was also asked if I thought “mayo was too spicy,” which I took particular offence to as I was once hospitalized for getting on the wrong side of some wasabi mayo that snuck up on me at my at my once-favorite sushi place. One fellow even took the time to photoshop me getting dunked on by Lebron which I thought was particularly rude as my tweet had not suggested that I would be playing in the three-on-three game, even if I did once put up a triple-double in my weekly co-rec league game at George Mason University!
This is all to say that I am being attacked on all sides, simply for being a proud centrist, for participating in my family’s history. Merely because I believe that all professional athletes are a poorly hidden cancer on society and that three distinguished men such as Kissinger Dershowitz and McCain deserve our utmost respect, I am being bludgeoned to an early internet death. In fact, my only defenders came from what some hot-heads are calling the “alt-right.” These fellows stood bravely in my defense, suffering the slings and arrows of my outrageous foes, and even introduced me to two people I had never heard of before, Jordan Peterson and Ben Shaprio. I’ve listened to them and they have some interesting stuff to say. I think I’m going to check them out a little closer.
Thank you for listening dear reader. Remember, I will get through this time of suffering, but those losers who are calling me a racist, will have to live forever as the real racists. Pity them, and remember my motto, “Yeats was wrong, the center can hold, and it is strong”.