As many of you may know, I’m officially running for President of the United States in the year 2040, as evidenced by these tweets.
Even though it may still be early in the campaign season, I consider it a presidential candidate’s duty to stay up to date with the issues and allow the American people a chance to see how I’d lead if I were currently POTUS. That is why, in light of this week’s disturbing events, I’m publishing the Shearer campaign’s official policy on Clowns.
Recently, America has been hit with a plague of clowns. Starting in a South Carolina town, then spreading throughout the country and even around the globe, clowns have been menacing good American folks without repercussion for months now. They have terrorized our children, freaked out many a drunk stumbling home at night, and have generally been a bunch of dicks. The attacks and appearances by these agents of evil have increased in rapid, other-worldly fashion. We should be alarmed. We should be very alarmed. This may be the greatest threat our divine nation has faced since our nation’s fore-daddies signed the Constitution centuries ago.
To truly be able to tackle the threat of clowns and rid our nation of this evil, we must first understand the true nature of the clown.
What is a Clown?
In the mind of many, a clown is just a human dressed up in funny clothes and makeup, performing antics meant to entertain children. This description is a deliberate lie spread through the masses to hide the true origin and intent of clowns.
Because my campaign employs some of the smartest and hardest working Americans out there, I have uncovered the truth behind a truly devious clown conspiracy. According to my sources—a tome found embedded in calcified monster-croc remains and the word of three separate mystics operating under the influence of ‘shroom, peanut butter, and jelly sandwich—clowns were, in truth, born from the Great Demon Cl’ownork. While under siege by Thee Maesters of Mind, a sort of medieval superhero team, Great Demon Cl’ownork, sensing defeat, split his essence into 13 Clowns—ephemeral beings of terror and honky noses, which escaped into the night. The Clowns, having gained many followers and much influence, wander the earth, remnants of an ancient being, set on causing as much chaos as possible.
How will I, as President, put a stop to Clowns?
I pledge to form an additional branch of the US military made up entirely of ninjas—a Clown’s ultimate enemy. Donning all black and moving in silence, ninjas are everything a Clown hates. I will unleash this army of ninjas on the the US, taking out any and every clown they see, but you will never know because they are ninjas and much too stealthy for the average person.
I will do extensive research in “clown cars.” A great military advantage of Clowns is their ability to roll up in a tiny clown car and then attack you with, like, 20 clowns that are all inexplicably stuffed in. Clearly there is some sort of quantum realm technology at play here, and I am very interested in knowing how they’re pulling it off.
I will put a stop to Clown Colleges. Just another example of the total infiltration Clowns have succeeded at in our modern society, they openly run training centers in the United States. The first order of business for my ninja army will be to level these schools and force the Clowns back into hiding where they belong.
All red rubber noses will be given to dogs who love to chew on that type of stuff.
All white face makeup will be given to mimes as a peace offering because I’m not sure I trust those creepy bastards either.
What can YOU do to help?
Obviously, I am not president and will not become the president until 2041, so in the meantime it is left up to the people to be vigilant in the fight against Clowns. Here are some things you can do:
Write into McDonald’s and tell them to retire their creepy, evil mascot.
Watch and or read, Stephen King’s IT for true understanding of the threat of Clowns.
Donate money to my campaign. You can do it through Venmo, my handle is @ZJShearer.
Spread the word about Great Demon Cl’ownork.
And finally, keep hope. We are the greatest nation ever to grace this planet. Clowns, while a dire threat, will be nothing but a slight stain in the beautiful tapestry that is American history if we just keep hope, stick together, and learn that those stupid flowers will always shoot water at us, goddammit. I believe in us. God Bless.