How to Adult: Halloween Costumes

By Nathan Cantu-Villareal

As we all know, there is nothing more adult-like than getting drunk with your friends while dressed up in a costume, but how do you know what to dress up as? There are millions of options, and the only thing holding you back is knowing that everyone around you will be critiquing you based on how funny, scary, or sexy your decision is. With this in mind, I put together the perfect ways to achieve each of these types of costumes that will make sure that all eyes are on you at your next Halloween party.

The Humorous Choice

If you’ve got the cash to throw down on a Harambe suit, do it. It’s just the right amount of sad and funny, and that’s totally in right now. You’ll be a walking dramedy, with the plus side of hearing people shout, “dicks out!” to you all night.

If you’re a little strapped for cash, then you can always go to your local thrift store to find some sort of banana suit*. Banana suits are always funny (I’m also just thinking about ape related things), but be ready to sing "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" at least once for the night. It would also do you well to look up the lyrics and study them intensely. Your peers will admire your erudition.

In the end, however, I would suggest just going nude. Think about it, it’s cheap (free), it’s totally you (literally, it’s just you), and it’s hilarious. The funniest part in any comedy is when someone shows up naked with all their nasties flailing about, and if there’s no nudity in a comedy, it’s not worth watching.

The Scary Choice

If you have money and want to make people scream, you can either go as a clown (this is really in right now) or, if you don’t want to piss yourself every time you look in the mirror, you can just purchase one of those really tall costumes that everyone is afraid of for some reason and possibly piss yourself when you realize that it takes a half-hour just to get out of the damn thing.

If you’re low on cash but still have some wiggle room, you should make your way to the thrift store again and start digging through all of the clothes there. Chances are you’ll come across at least one piece of clothing with blood splotched on it. Sure, fake blood is pretty scary, but real blood? That stuff can give you a disease.

The free option is of course going nude again. What’s more terrifying than someone running around naked? Someone running around naked shouting nonsense; so make sure to yell something like, “Apples are the only reason I’m so lonely!” or “Martha Stewart is trying to kill me, and then she’s coming for you!”

Terrifying.  I’m getting chills already.

The Sexy Choice

Go naked.  This should be self-explanatory.

So there you go, another decision made by yours truly. You can thank me when you show up naked to the party, only to realize that everyone else who read this also decided to go naked to the party because that was obviously the best choice.

*If the employees say that they don’t have any, they’re probably lying and trying to keep all the banana suits to themselves. Demand to see a manager.