11th Century Bishops Were Hot AF

by Dylan Shearer (this post originally appeared here)

  A building from 11th Century France? Maybe? The Google Search was vague.

A building from 11th Century France? Maybe? The Google Search was vague.

The Middle Ages [1] were a damn good time in history. Not “good” like “I want to live there” good, but “good” like “utterly batshit insane” good. For example, to be considered a Bishop that was doing his job you had to be hot as shit. Good Bishops, by definition had to be hotter than the cast of Magic Mike. No Medieval peasant wanted to be looking at some fugly-ass shrimpy dude preaching for the upwards of 8 times they had to go to church in an average week. And they sure as shit didn’t want to give their hard-earned money/cabbages to some Steve Buscemi looking dork. To quote from Stephen Jaegar’s The Envy of Angels, “A high clerical administrator, court chaplain, and bishop had to be handsome, preferably tall, at least impressive in appearance.”[2] “At least impressive?” That’s a crazy high standard for a “clerical administrator”. That’s like putting a “No Fat Dudes” sign outside your church/Imperial Court. Only Medieval France Tens Need Apply etc etc.

And the peasants ate it up. Jaegar writes about Bishop Gunther of Bamberg (more Bishop Gunther of Bangburg, amiright?), who had a face and body so banging that, “in Jerusalem, crowds of locals gathered in front of a church he was in and prevented him from leaving, so eager were they to get a look at his fabled beauty.”[3] 11th Century Christians were horny as hell. There was another unnamed bishop who escaped murder because he was so hot that his would be assassins were so overawed they ran away.

Of course it wasn’t all hot bods and Crucifixes. If a church dared to put some short, ugly asshole in charge of the bishop’s mitre (aka the Sexy Hat) the peasants were liable to revolt. Basically, being a Bishop meant that your only real job was looking hot as hell. All Tens Go To Heaven. Honestly I get it. When your being forced to go to church like every day, why would you want to look at a Chris Farley impersonator? You’re already tired after your hard day of growing wheat and not dying from the Plague, you might as well get those peepers on some firm flesh. And those bishop robes leave a lot of room for the imagination, something these people needed with no access to internet porn.

Now you’re probably wondering what all these hotties looked like. So I’ve included a few pics for your enjoyment. Here are your most eligible bachelors of the 11th Century Church.

  “Fucketh me Father” - what teens on Medieval Twitter are typing right now

“Fucketh me Father” - what teens on Medieval Twitter are typing right now

 So hot

So hot

  10/10 would bang

10/10 would bang

 Yummy

Yummy

Good for them. I’m glad these 11th Century Bishops had it going on. Good for you.

[1] Historians hate calling it “The Middle Ages” but whatever, it’s useful as a time period guide.

[2] C. Stephen Jaegar. The Envy of Angels: Cathedral Schools and Social Ideals in Medieval Europe 950 – 1200 (Penn: 1994) 86.

[3] Ibid.