Laterade

This is a new column intended to extinguish any of those life questions you can’t seem to get answered to your satisfaction. Your queries are my candies. Taste the uncertainty.

 

Hey J – I’m in a relationship and I hate it. Being tied down is a real bummer. What are some good ways to fall out of love? – Thankless Azaria

Dear Tom Hanks,

Damn those pesky relationships! Some people search their whole lives for their other half, but other people prefer solitude. People sure make you feel vulnerable you know? Emotions are pretty much useless. Might as well live without them. It’s tricky to intentionally fall out of love with someone, but here’s what I would do if I were you.

I would take the Pavlov approach and physically place yourself where they might cause you harm. For example, perhaps right behind them and then they step on you or push you. This will not only cause pain, which helps with the psychological aspect of falling out of love, but also conveys their selfish nature in putting their own comfort and safety above yours. Do this over and over and over and eventually you will condition yourself to feel very negatively towards this person and the love feelings will go away.

Then when you’re alone (FINALLY, am I right?!), stay alone. Otherwise, this method could really cause harm to your human compassion and decency.

 

Does anyone know of an office-acceptable, non-smoking reason to intermittently go outside and do nothing productive for about 10 minutes at a time? - Billy Idle

Dear Bill Clinton,

    It sounds like you’re talking about taking breaks, the state mandated necessity of the workplace to enable people to think they are being treated humanely. I can think of lots of reasons to go outside to avoid productivity. It’s a great place to fart guilt free. Practice your crop-dusting on small animals or parked cars. If you’re not into flatulating, there’s also belching and nature appreciation. Here’s a list of other activities you can do in ten minutes:

  • Eat a taco
  • Practice funny walks
  • Tag stuff with someone else’s initials
  • Pretend you're Ant-Man and find your brethren
  • Buy binoculars - 10 minute stake-out
  • Write a four-part chorale
  • Improvise

J! I’m so confused by weather. When does partly cloudy become partly sunny? - Mo’ Ron

Dear Mo’ Ron Burgundy,

    The clouds are most likely directly related to the water in your glass; How much is in there? Do you want to have a bad day, or a good day? These are questions only you can figure out. I’m not a meteorologist or a philosopher. Good luck.