There’s a war going on, folks. A war between New York bourgeoisie snobs who are ruining this country and good sensible folk like you and me. And the war is being fought over cargo shorts.
On August 1, the Wall Street Journal ran a piece on the declining sales of cargo shorts and their apparent lack of sex appeal. At least, I think that’s what the article is about because it’s behind a paywall and I’m don’t believe in such things. So, even though I haven’t read the article, it still screams “elitist.” Cargo shorts are out of fashion but only rich people who can afford the 12$ for 12 weeks subscription fee get to know about it? How dare they.
After the initial WSJ piece ran, every other snobby publication jumped on board the cargo shorts hate train. Cosmo, NPR, and even Business Insider, for some unfathomable reason. This month has been nothing but a full fledged assassination attempt by the bourgeoisie news media on cargo shorts. And I’m here to say enough is enough. These articles are way out of line. Cargo shorts deserve our praise, not our hatred.
To truly understand the beauty of cargo shorts we need to go back in history to the invention of cargo, also known as stuff that needs to be moved. Some caveman named Tim had like three rocks that he wanted to move to his cave and, boom, cargo was invented. And you want to know what Tim did with those rocks? He built a wall with them; he used them to kill his dinner that night; he gave one to Cavewoman Jen so that she’d fall in love with him. The point is that without the invention of cargo, humans wouldn’t be human. We need to carry stuff around with us. How else would we get shit done?
Of course, it took a lot of years before some genius figured out to combine the idea of cargo with the equally great idea of pants. But when they did finally make that connection, the effect was immediate. This is what happened: cargo pants were invented and then we defeated Hitler. Yes, that’s right, cargo pants were made during WWII so that soldiers would have extra room to carry supplies and ammo. And if it hadn’t been for those extra supplies, all these fancy pants publications would probably be writing about Hitler’s grandson latest genocide or some shit, because the guys who defended our country would've ran out of bullets and been like "Oh no, I'm out of ammo but at least I'll die looking good in my sleek, form-fitting pants!" The world owes a debt to cargo pants and we shouldn’t forget it.
History aside, the argument against cargo shorts is still pretty flimsy if you ask me. Basically, the claim is that cargo shorts aren’t attractive because they’re too baggy. People prefer men in slimmer fitting shorts with small or no pockets, like chinos. Let me first say that anybody who finds “chinos,” a name strikingly similar to “China,” attractive is downright un-American. The connection to one of our country’s greatest rivals is blatantly clear and you should be ashamed.
But facts only go so far in this argument so the question presents itself: does it matter if cargo shorts are attractive or not? I say no! They’re comfortable. They’re utilitarian. They have pockets that are big enough that you can reach in and adjust your equipment on a sweaty day without sticking your hands down your pants and looking like a weirdo. That’s all that matters. Cargo shorts are the wizard robes of pants, and who doesn’t love wizard robes with the endless mystery of what lies underneath? And we should judge cargo shorts similarly! Not by their outward appearance but by the mysteries that they hold. What kind of hardware might the wearer be hiding underneath? Magic stones, maybe? Or a vial of delicious potion from a far off land? So tantalizing!
Many of these articles also try to pit men against women. They present men as oafs; trolls unable to see how ugly their pants are while women look on disapprovingly. Sisters! I beg of you, don’t listen! I understand your frustration. Why do men get the luxury of carrying around their items in their pants while you must hold a purse and wear form fitting clothing? It’s unfair. But please realize that the enemy here is not cargo shorts, instead it's the sexist media elite with their contrived societal norms. I argue that cargo shorts should be for everyone, not just men. Fight the power, ladies -- carry your phone and wallet in a dope side pocket! Make looking like an amorphous blob cool again!
And if you still think that cargo pants are unattractive and are unwilling to change, know this: they are coming for the cargo shorts now, how long do you think it will be until they come after yoga pants?
But, nonetheless, here at the Blowhard, we do understand the importance of aesthetic. I will concede that, while it shouldn’t matter much, looking good has value. That’s why I’m pleased to announce that the Blowhard is developing a new type of pant that will undoubtedly change the landscape of American fashion. Not only is the design utilitarian and comfortable but it is also fashionable. Made for all the people who can't handle cargo shorts but are still on our side. The side of the good and right. I am proud to present:
Unisex yoga pants with cargo pockets and “Fuck the Bourgeoisie” stamped on the butt for good measure.
If you want to reserve a pair just send me a message on twitter @ZJShearer They’ll be coming out real soon. I promise.
I feel like I've sufficiently solved this matter. So I'll just leave you with these tweets from people who clearly are misguided and uninformed. Brainwashed by the bourgeoisie. Know thy enemy folks, know thy enemy.