This is a column intended to extinguish any of those life questions you can’t seem to get  answered to your satisfaction. Your queries are my candies. Taste the uncertainty.

  Photo credit:

Photo credit:



What do you do with your arms when there are no rests?

-Loaf Erikson

Dear Meat Loaf,

    If there are no rests, you need to keep the song going and keep playing your instrument until the song is over. If you are the conductor-dude, work up that ability to keep your arms up. Stamina and endurance are necessary when leading an orchestra. What an inane question. I’m very disappointed Meat Loaf. You should know better.

J. Please help. This has been on my mind for days. Why isn’t the heart symbol shaped like the heart organ?

- Valve Kilmer


Dear Al Franken,
    Back in the day, when the heart shape was conceived, the motor function needed to draw such an intricate design  as the human heart had not yet developed. So people thought… what’s the next best thing? Well, it might surprise you, or it might not - It was the Butt. The butt was and and is a mysterious, and rotund, anatomical delight. Our natural, and often primordial instinct, finds a generous rump curve to be very attractive. When a person has a moist bottom and sits on a hard surface, perhaps that of a flat boulder, you would find the outline of your fart box will much resemble that of a heart. 
    As love for applebottoms have only grown over time, there has been no need for for the known symbol of the heart to change for anatomical accuracy. 



Good day, J. Is the late great John Lennon related to that Russian Communist guy?                                                                                                                                  -Error Flynn

Dear Aaron Carter,

First of all, your party was great and memorable. Thank you.

    I believe you’re thinking of Vlad the Impaler of the 15th Century aka the inspiration of Bram Stoker’s Dracula or the actual Prince of Wallachia. Vlad was a ruler who impaled his enemies on sharp objects as punishment. It was rumored that he also drank the blood of those he punctured, hence the vampire reference. He was neither Russian or a Communist, but I can see how you would think so.

    Regardless, the musical genius is NOT related to the historical demon. They are virtually opposites. John Lennon, may he rest in peace, had no known ties to Russia other than he was a pacifist and did not think war was cool; ergo, any threat posed by Russia to the free people was deeply frowned upon if not condemned. Vlads, in general, are not to be trusted.