How to Adult: Making the Bed

By Nathen Cantu-Villarreal

Being an adult is hard, I know.  First you need to do this, then you need to do that, then this again, then that again. One routine turns up after another, and the responsibilities just keep racking up.  It’s enough to make the most resilient human begin to believe that he or she is actually a robot, or perhaps that everyone else is a robot, or maybe that everyone in existence is a robot, or possibly that there are a few humans that continue to reproduce robots that are now what some of us consider the 99 percent and the only reason that we are aware of this is because someone in the one percent was kind enough to elucidate the truth of our singular struggle to us.

Robots or not, we need to stick together and discover all of the easiest and most practical ways to get done what needs to get done.  So to start us off, I wanted to talk about the simple pleasure of having a perfectly made bed.

Are you a stickler for organization like I am?  Of course you aren’t!  I’m not either.  But I do love the calming atmosphere that comes with a made bed.  When my sheets are nice and tucked in, I’m ready to get to work.  My days are more productive, I tend to exercise more often, I don’t find the need to drink excessively – it pretty much makes me feel like I’m capable of accomplishing anything.

When I asked Professor in Neuroscience and fellow sheet-tucker, Geben Autrieb, what he thinks making the bed does for your braincells, he responded, “How did you get my email and why do you keep trying to contact me?” Which was surely a roundabout way of saying, “Just look at the effort you’re putting into emailing me!  Making the bed works!”

But who has the time for the actual drudgery of making the bed?  I’m usually waking up ten minutes before I need to leave to work and all I can fit into my schedule is brushing my teeth and running out the door.  It’s much easier to just make your bed before going to sleep.

So here are a few tips and tricks that I’ve come up with to help you keep your bed nice and tidy while avoiding all the hassle that comes with making the bed over and over again.

1.    Try Not to Move in Your Sleep

It’s easy!  Just don’t move while your sleeping.  You can do this by making sure that when you do get under the sheets, you pick the perfect position of comfort, except no hugging pillows (which is childish anyway.  I mean come on! We’re adults and adults don’t need to hug anything - they’re completely self-dependent!)

It’s also a good idea to avoid dreaming of anything too racy.  No running from murderers, no falling off of cliffs, nothing sexual that involves getting on top of anyone - in fact, I would avoid any sexual behavior at all.  You need to really get into your own head when you’re dreaming and when you do notice that things are getting a little too crazy, try to turn the direction of your dream into something much nicer and less active, like petting bunnies or watching a movie starring Meryl Streep.

2.    Don’t Get Under the Sheets

Okay, so you tried my first suggestion and discovered that you can’t stop having those kinky dreams or whatever.  This brings us to your next option – don’t get under your blankets!

Sure, it’s a little cold, but a cup of tea never hurt anyone.  And if that doesn’t work, a quick shot of Nyquil should suffice.  Still too cold? Go ahead and try taking a shot of brandy.  Still pretty cold, huh?  Maybe you can just jack up the heater and take another shot of brandy?  I know when I did this method, I found it useful to just keep an entire bottle of brandy, a bottle of Nyquil, and a shot glass near my bedside, just to settle my chills, and man was I out like a light.

3.    Don’t Use Any Sheets, Blankets, or Bedding of Any Sort

So you found that you couldn’t sleep over the sheets so you drank half a bottle of brandy, which made you careless about getting under the sheets, so your drunk ass did it anyway.

Shame!

I give you some golden advice and you decide to run off and become an anomaly.  Well here’s my last recommendation for you – just don’t buy sheets!

Keep your bed bare so that you don’t even have the means to messing up a perfectly made bed, then if you end up having that recurring nightmare about manatees chasing you in paragliders , you can jostle your legs and arms in a futile attempt at escape without worrying about a thing!  Plus, if you start to get cold, you can drink all the brandy you want without worrying about tossing and tussling the sheets when you get up to run to the bathroom.

It’s perfect, as my advice always is.  Stay tuned for my next article and feel free to comment on all the ways that my excellent tips have helped you maintain your sanity.