Judge a Book by Its Cover: Apocalypse Now Now

by Portia Turner

Throughout our lives we have all been told, at some point or another, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  But we all do it.  Don’t lie to me and say, “Well, I don’t. I give every book an equal chance.”  You are full of bullshit and you know it.

I work at a bookstore and so I spend a lot of my day looking at book covers.  Some intrigue me and others make me never want to pick up the book again (cause did you know that there are different textures of book covers? Some are great and others are just terrible).  Many times, I look at a book cover and create a whole story of what I think that book must be about. And then I look at the back and learn that I was very very wrong.

So I’ve decided to share some  my judgments of books based purely on their covers.  Here is the first one:

 

Book:

Apocalypse Now Now by Charlie Human

 

There’s a lot going on here.

 

My Guess at the Plot: 

Daniel Radcliff’s Harry Potter is all grown up.  Following his defeat of Voldemort, Harry finds that his scar has turned into a third eye, allowing him to see evil when it is nearby.  The downside to this is that the eye turns bright red and burns terribly when he is near evil.  It’s really not a good look.

Harry also finds that, as he grows older, more things start to grow off his face.  One morning he wakes up to find a girl on the side of his face.  “Help me,” she says.  “An evil man is after me and won’t stop until I am dead.”  Harry tries to ignore this.  Then he wakes to find a very scary man wearing a top hat under his right eye.  Well, he thinks, this can’t be good.  Before he knows it, there are a bunch of people as well as an octopus and some spiders growing out of the right side of his face (and only the right side).

Soon, Harry loses the vision in his right eye and can only see fire and death through that eye.  He takes to wearing red-tinted lenses to help make the fire less bright and struggles to figure out how to deal with the apocalypse that seems to be taking place on his face.

In the real world, all hell has broken lose and it seems like the world is going to end.  Dark magicians have stepped in to fill the void left behind by the destruction of Voldemort.  It becomes a full on nuclear war, except that it is scary intense magic instead of nuclear bombs.  All of the wizards in the world turn to Harry.  “Harry Potter!” they yell!  “You’re our only hope!”  Not again, Harry thinks.

So, while there is an apocalypse raging on his face, he must also face the apocalypse taking place in front of him.  Hence the title, Apocalypse Now Now.

 

My Assessment:

I, for one, am not into this.  There seems to be too much going on.  Two apocalypses?  And do we really need more Harry Potter fanfic?  I am incredibly intrigued by the plot line of the things growing off of his face but I think that one apocalypse is enough for a single book.  Shouldn’t Harry be focusing on fixing his face and solving that problem instead of going out and worrying about the fate of the world?  Also, why don’t the other wizards seem weirded out by what is going on with his face?  This is probably not a book that I will read.

 

Actual Plot:

(From the back of the book)

“Baxter Zevcenko’s life is pretty sweet.  He’s making a name for himself as the kingpin of his smut-peddling high-school syndicate, the other gangs are staying out of his business, and he’s dating the girl of his dreams, Esme.  But when Esme gets kidnapped, things start to get seriously weird, and the only man drunk enough to help is a bearded, booze-soaked, supernatural bounty hunter that goes by the name of Jackson ‘Jackie’ Ronin,  Plunged into the increasingly bizarre landscape of Cape Town’s supernatural underworld, Baxter and Ronin team up to save Esme.  On a journey that takes them through the realms of impossibility, they must face every conceivable nightmare to get her back, including the odd brush with the Apocalypse.”

So, I guess I was pretty wrong.  But I think that my original assessment was right.  There seems to be too much going on here.  I probably won’t be reading this book.