This Week's Laterade

This is a column intended to extinguish any of those life questions you can’t seem to get  answered to your satisfaction. Your queries are my candies. Taste the uncertainty.


A stitch in time saves nine what?

- Emily Count


Dear Count,

    This is an old saying that goes back to Ancient Egypt where cats were considered important, like deities. The full saying, as read in hieroglyphics, “a stitch in time saves nine lives.

    In a desert like climate, sometimes the evenings get cold and cats would die in the night time brisky breeze. If a cat dies from a weather related death, it wipes out the remaining lives. It was a popular practice then to create blankets and knit goods for the felines to keep them warm and safe in the dangerously dropping temps of ancient egypt.

It later evolved to be less specific in its meaning; work hard, save lives.


Do blind dogs have seeing-eye people?

- Kornea Kardashian


Dear Carly Rae Jepson,

    Dogs don’t have any rights to own anything. They are the have-not’s. I know this might anger some people, but it’s the truth. Dog’s don’t have rights at all and that’s sad. The quick answer is no. Do seeing-eye people have blind dogs? Some do.

How do you breathe good?

-  Gasp-utin


Dear President Putin,

    If you have to ask this question, it makes me think that you don’t know how to voluntarily let yourself live. If you have a death wish, you should talk to someone.

    If you have trouble breathing, see a doctor.

    I don’t know that there is ‘good’ way to breathe, but there are bad ways to breathe that you should avoid.

  • Don’t smoke
  • Don’t have asthma
  • Don’t be around people with asthma. It’s contagious
  • No physical activity. It’s makes breathing harder and it can hurt.
  • Don’t be cold.
  • Don’t be hot.
  • Don’t sleep in dust.
  • Don’t sleep with your mouth open. No one likes that.
  • Don’t try breathing while eating or drinking. Your body is busy doing other things.
  • Don’t breathe while pooping or giving birth, unless you really need to.
  • Don’t have cats. They’re not relevant.
  • Don’t work in construction. Or Starbucks (it will suck the life out of you)
  • Don’t have gas. It’s a breathing obstacle.