Laterade: Debates 2016 First Edition

The debate raised a lot of questions, mainly the moral integrity of one and the likeability of the other—clearly a fair debacle. For your own curiosity and reading pleasure, I've answered some of the hard questions so you can free your mind of this political purgatory our nation inhabits until November. 

If Donald Trump is an educated, rich white dude, then why is his english so bad?
                                                                                   - Kelsey Grammar

Dear Chelsea Handler,
That’s a great question. Sometimes, when individuals are very privileged, such as Donald, their English tends to take a back seat, because they can afford to look dumb, ignorant and all-together, delusional. He has been so focused on being charming, wealthy, and popular that his speaking skills probably don’t matter because his presence is enough to either entrance you or make you throw up. His words *literally* do not matter.

What does Donald’s own personal reality look like?
                                                                                            - Scary Elwes

Dear Christmas Elves,
I imagine Trump’s reality is pretty scary if you are female, a minority, or poor. I imagine Trump lives in a beautiful mansion, has many attractive wives, each given the duty to fertilize and nurture his seed, which he only provides for financially. This would not stop him from approaching and involving himself with other women, because to him, they aren’t people, just objects in his life. Replaceable. He probably has servants too. He spends his time talking business with like-minded individuals, all men, all powerful influences. There would be a big wall, devoid of anything he deemed dirty, natural or average. Beyond that wall, is the real world—which Trump seems to have no interest in at all. I mean, that’s what his actual life is like, isn’t it? 

Can we blame Hillary for everything?
                                                                                                -Bro Montana

Dear Joe Mantegna,
Why not? Men have been pointing their fingers at women through centuries to shirk off their guilt and responsibility, going all the way back to Eve, you know, then Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, Marie Antoinette, the “Witches” of Salem, Susan B Anthony, Marilyn Monroe . . . just to name a few. Not to mention the women who are shamed and blamed for encouraging sexual assault or harassment. Hilary has put up with a lot to have stayed in politics for decades, as well as providing for a family. This shows tenacity, endurance, and STAMINA. Honestly, the media has been pretty active in making her out to be some kind of money-hungry, manipulative, queen bitch of the congress, but for this male-dominated job, I’d say that makes her more qualified than anyone. She’s got strength, courage, perseverance, and intelligence. You want to blame her? Fine. It’s just another notch in her belt, anyway.

If you shout into a mic, can America hear you better?
                                                                                                          -Yella Reese

Dear Reese Witherspoon,
Nope. But, it certainly makes you sound angry, irritable, frustrated and dumb; not to mention it’s really obnoxious to listen to. I’m hoping America heard that loud and clear.

I think I’m related to a “very against police” judge. Should I be concerned? 
                                                                                                             -Harley Kin

Dear Ken,
I think it’s best if you talk to this person and figure out who and what they stand for, rather than make judgments based on someone else’s biased opinion, regardless of how much money, influence, or power they have. This is how civilized people work with others.