Art Review

I unironically love Art Museums. Old ass art is the best. My brain has also been ruined by the Internet (this is one of the philosophical foundations of the Blowhard). So I just wanted to present everyone with a few of my favorite pieces and why I like them so much.

 Me Writing This Post

Me Writing This Post

I could tell you the names of these paintings, but I just don't really want to look them up. This one is cool as all get out cause it's shady as hell. The above queen (kween) knows she's cool as shit with her cucumber-patterned icing pipe/peacock quill and little ass red book (which was worth than like 5 years salary for a merchant). I really only like art in relation to its memeability. And this is meme-ready.

 Psst, Why does that guy in the middle look like an extra from Planet of the Apes?

Psst, Why does that guy in the middle look like an extra from Planet of the Apes?

These two dudes are the most interesting thing in a painting since Tom Cruise found out he was Jesus 3rd cousin by staring real hard at the Mona Lisa. I mean there's a 50/50 chance they both just got done eating 50lbs of pickled herring while participating in some consensual erotic tickling. This painting is proof that the Bible did support homosexuality completely. Like what are they even doing at Pentecost? And what in the world are they whispering to each other besides sweet sweet fish-flavored nothings? Talking in tongues, if you know what I mean. (Sex is what I mean). Good for them.

 Dude with a knife in the first panel is the baddest motherfucker in the whole Bible.

Dude with a knife in the first panel is the baddest motherfucker in the whole Bible.

The classic arty-farty term for this type of painting is a diptych. Unless it's not then, whatever. This thing is supposed to tell a story but for the life of me I can not tell what that story is. The dude in blue and red is probably Jesus? But then he like murders everyone and climbs a mountain? And there's a guy with a knife trying to give people shaves? For someone reason the only two footwear choices at the time were dope-ass sandals or thigh-highs. Also trees grow on the sides of mountains now. I love old art.

 TFW the lunch table is full

TFW the lunch table is full

This painting is a perfect representation of the "cool kids table". This artist of this painting 100% drew themselves into this painting because they weren't invited to the cool lunch table when they were in High School. It has all the trapping of cool. Everyone looks bored, no one is talking to anyone else and the table is "locked". also, my dude with the chessboard wrap is looking fly as hell.

 Yeah, Jesus had boobs and wore see-through loincloths. So what?

Yeah, Jesus had boobs and wore see-through loincloths. So what?

There's just so much going on in this painting that I don't really know what to say. For one, that lady's legs are somehow straddling Jesus at two completely off angles. She's got some arachnid-ass legs. And those two dudes at the end are touching Jesus' feet on some Rob Ryan foot fetish "show me your feet sweetie" shit out here. Also he appears to be laying on a hovering sheet. Very dope.

 Every College Freshman's favorite desktop background

Every College Freshman's favorite desktop background

My boy Hieronymus Bosch (see I know some stuff) was the first regular acid user. There is a dude living in a fish, and my man's arms are coming out of it's sides as its fins. Dude's got swans up in the sky. I could look at that gold water all day. Man, painting is good as hell.

 

Go to a damn museum some time. It's great.