Laterade

This is a column intended to extinguish any of those life questions you can’t seem to get  answered to your satisfaction. Your queries are my candies. Taste the uncertainty.

  Photo credit: bloodorange.com.au

Photo credit: bloodorange.com.au

Can you cry underwater?
                                    - Bawl Rudd

Dear Rudy Giuliani,

    The ability to cry is not controlled by geography, geology, meteorology or climate change. It is a human anatomical reaction to a human experience such as emotion, pain or overwhelming beauty. For example, if I saw a Great White Shark underwater, I might start to cry because not only is it terrifying, it is also magnificent. In addition, I might experience the human reaction of self-urination out of all-consuming fear. 
    I would highly suggest that if you are going to start sobbing in the ocean, you wear goggles because although there is salt in our tears, the salt of the ocean is a bit different and can cause some discomfort or stinging. I would apply this to freshwater lakes as well as there is bacteria and algae that can really fuck up your vision.
    Regardless of your location, I highly recommend fully embracing all of life’s experiences.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
                                                     - Hairy Seinfeld

Dear Harry Styles,

    I’m no scientist, but hair seems to be one of those self-protecting Darwinian elements that is programmed into our system to help with survival. It covers the vulnerable parts of our bodies (e.g. brains, armpits, genital orifices, etc) from the elements and from general harm, like an anatomical pillow or dust trap. 
    Tarzan was a freak of nature. He was a strong, burly man who was beastly AF in strength and brawn. He didn’t need any protection on his face. Darwin was probably like, nah - this dude’s cool, he don’t need fur. Also, with all that swinging from vine to vine, and running through the jungle, the wind and foliage probably made it pretty difficult to get a follicle to grow. 

Is the 5 second rule real and where did it come from?
                                                                           - Robin Quicke

Dear Christopher Robin,
    
    The 5 second rule is an antiquated rule that dates back to that of the hunter and gatherers of the Neolithic Age. If a fruit dropped from a tree, they’d have an estimated five seconds before it was snatched up by another animal as at this time in history, the world at large was like a Farmer’s Market, open to creatures of all walks of life. This is how humans developed quick reflexes. 
    Over centuries, the 5 second rule became idiosyncratic of the human species. Through the ages, it was applied to different situations and it evolved, but generally the concept remained the same. For instance, during the 14th Century, the Black Plague was running amok in Europe and there would be a five second window to retrieve an item from the ground before it became tainted with the super contagious death sentence. 
    During World War I, it was rumored that if you were to leave your trench for more than five seconds, you’d probably be blown to smithereens. In World War II, when a bomb was dropped, it was said that there were five seconds between seeing the bomb and feeling the bomb. Even now, there is five seconds between each dumb thought Donald Trump has and will then eventually verbally assault some undeserving living being with. 
    The rule has evolved with people over time, it is generally exercised to justify picking food up from the floor. Yet, as you can see, it still has some catastrophic effects when not followed properly.