By: Zachary Shearer
The Olympics are pretty cool; I’ll admit it. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t be better. Recently, Buster Olney, baseball commentator extraordinaire, showed us that updating a classic game is totally worth a brainstorm.
Here at the Blowhard, we decided that the Olympics could also use some improving because nothing is sacred and we’re all haters. Here are 6 Ways to Improve the Olympics:
1. Gold Medal Winners Allowed to Pick Their Own Music at Award Ceremony
In general, national anthems suck. In particular, the Star Spangled Banner, the most played national anthem at the Olympic Games, is militaristic garbage in desperate need of an upgrade. And, like they all say, a shitty anthem doth a shitty award ceremony make. There’s nothing more exciting than people standing solemnly with their hands over their chests, gazing longingly into the distance while bad music plays. NOT!
I propose that the winners be allowed to choose their own music to sing/dance along with for the award ceremony. Let’s get some rap music up in this business. Or maybe some K-Pop. Or some yodeling. I don’t know, whatever the person wants. It’s their moment. They just won a frickin gold medal. They should get down to the music they want to get down to. Hell yeah.
2. Let’s Add Some Sports to the Olympics
Ninja Warrior - American Ninja Warrior type obstacle course but it’s the Olympics so we have to take the American off the name just to be polite even though the US is gonna win that shit every year anyway.
Seprak Takraw - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sepak_takraw This sport is crazy. It’s volleyball except you can’t use your hands. Make it happen IOC.
Jousting - Bring it back, yo. The Middle Ages knew what the hell they were doing. If you’re worried about animal cruelty or whatever, just have em use modified hoverboards.
A Hunger Games-like archery battle that I made up - 6-8 Archers with body armor and felt tipped arrows get put in an obstacle filled arena. Every person for themself. You get hit, you’re out. Hell yeah.
3. Let’s Remove Some Sports from the Olympics
Rifle shooting - Boring. Pulling a trigger ain’t no athletic feat. And it goes so fast that you’re basically just watching a hole appear on a piece of paper.
All swimming events that aren’t freestyle events - Like, really what’s the purpose of backstroke, breaststroke, and butterfly when they’re all slower and more difficult than freestyle? Having these events is like if they added Skipping, Bunny Hop, and Side Shuffle events to track and field, and then they had a medley relay with all three plus freestyle (aka running). That’s ridiculous and so is the amount of medals Michael Phelps won purely because his sport has a bajillion events. Cut ‘em.
Speed Walking - I literally just discovered this was a thing and, frankly, it’s embarrassing for all of humanity that we consider this a sport. Hell yeah.
4. Create a Floating Neutral Olympic Village in the Middle of the Pacific Ocean for Future Summer Games and an Olympic Village on Antarctica for Future Winter Games.
This one seems obvious to me. Every four years some city with big aspirations gets screwed over because they have to build a ton of new architecture that gets used for two weeks before abandonment and the economic boost provided by the Olympics isn’t even close to covering the bill. Creating an Olympic village that could be reused every four years solves this problem. All participating nations could split the building and upkeep costs based on the size of their national Olympic team and then we don’t have to worry about shoddy last minute constructions and diseased water.
I see no other potential problems with this plan and don’t understand why it hasn’t been done yet. Hell Yeah!
5. Add a Platinum Medal
Recently, Usain Bolt, Simone Biles, Katie Ledecky, and Almaz Ayana have shown us that having gold as the highest award isn’t enough. Should these athletes who are miles beyond the rest of their competition really be given the same honor as some schmuck who only wins gold by .01 seconds or some bullshit like that? I say no.
Taking a cue from the record industry, a Platinum medal should be given to those who are truly dominant in their field. Did you grin for the camera in the middle of your 100m dash? Platinum. Did you literally lap your competition? Platinum. Is the score difference between you and the silver medal winner larger than the difference between 2nd and 8th place? Platinum. Hell yeah.
6. Nudity Should Be Optional
As most people will know from their 6th grade history classes, during the first Olympic games in Ancient Greece the athletes performed naked. Hell yeah.
I don’t see why that can’t at least be an option for today’s athletes. Nudists are people too. If they wanna let everything hang out, I say let them. It would be a great nod at tradition and also be a socially progressive move at the same time. How often does that happen? Never. Except this one time. You’re welcome.